Hebrews and Kids

Hebrews 10: 1-4
For the law having a shadow of good things to come, and not the very image of things, can never with those sacrifices which they offered year by year continually make the comers thereunto perfect. For then would they not have ceased to be offered? because that the worshippers once purged should have had no more conscience of sins. But in those sacrifices there is a remembrance again made of sins every year. For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and of goats should take away sins.

I read this passage sitting outside my kids room. And what came to mind what an incident that happened today. My son decided to steal my money jar. I made him give me back all the money, and then pay me back for the worry and upset he caused me. For is it not possible that the sweat of cleaning a bathroom, and roar of a vacuum cleaner should take away sins.

Wow, this passage really hit home in so many ways. The sacrifice of our actions can never put a sin right. But it does help us to let go of our guilt. Sacrifice is not for God, but for us. When my children know that they have "paid me back" they feel a sense of relief.

But the point of the law was to teach what sin is. And the point of paying back it to teach my children to make better choices. Leaving toys thru out the house is a bad choice, with consequence. But the point is not to teach them to pay me back, to clean a bathroom to pay back the energy that was taken from me when I had to pick up the toys. The point is to instill the voice in their head that says, it might be a good idea to clean up.

The point of the law is to direct our steps, show us what behavior is good, and what behavior is going to hurt us.

A terrible worry

This is the e-mail that I sent my lawyer. I'm just so upset by this whole incident, I don't want to write it all out again, it takes too much out of me.


I'm sure you remember the stunt my ex husband pulled in court last time, bringing up a scratch on my daughter's face as reason to for a psyche eval. Well, we had something happen last night, and I want to make sure he can't take this anywhere. The gyst of it is that my son dumped half a bottle of Drano on my daughter. She was taken to the ER. They only did observation there, no medication even applied.

Okay, how this happened. I had my babysitter over so we could go thru some things for the summer. We were discussing things in the front room while the children played in the bedroom. My son came repeatedly out to the front room trying to get my attention. Both children were antagonized by the fact that they didn't have my full attention. Here at home it's very rare that I'm not paying full attention to them. So they were trying to do things to get my attention. First my son strung thread all over the house. He got in trouble. Then he started beating his sister up, got in trouble again.

Finally, I heard them giggling in my bathroom. But the giggling turned to some screaming by my daughter. I went to see what it was. While my daughter was on the toilet, my son grabbed the bottle of Drano. It was sitting next to the sink because I had treated the sink the day before. He did not know what it was, and he proceeded to dump it over his sister. I believe his objective was to get her wet, make her scream, and get Mom's attention. Well, it worked.

She had burns on her arms, her upper thighs, down her legs, and even on the labia of her vagina. I followed the directions on the bottle, and put her in a bath of water and vinegar. My babysitter left in the middle of this to give me the space to work. I called my daughter's pediatrician and discussed the incident with her. The pediatrician said she really needed to go to the ER since she couldn't evaluate the severity of the burns.

I called my ex and told him quickly what had happened. I asked if he'd be willing to take our daughter to the ER. He agreed that he could do it, and came over quickly. I pulled her out of the bathtub and showed him where all her burns where.

My daughter repeatedly told him how it happened, in great detail. She told him how her brother picked it up, where he dumped, how it the drips of it ran down her body, how it felt. We dressed her and she went with her father to the Hospital.

I'm worried that my ex might use this to say I'm an unfit mother again. I'm worried he might call CPS on this. I know my daughter will say her brother did it, and I know my son will admit to doing it. The only thing I'm "guilty" of is not being in the same room with them, and leaving the Drano out in the open.

Another lovely morning

I woke up this morning to my son puking. He's not running a temperature, and says he's not sick. He says now that he's puked all the yucky stuff is out of his tummy.

He puked all over the carpet to. Looks like he leaned over the rail and just let it rip. So I also found out that my wet dry vac isn't working quite right. Believe me, finding that out at 5:30am when you are staring at a puke spot, that's not a good way to start a morning.

Living my religion

As I approach what I believe will be the end of my divorce, things are actually changing.

In preparation I've begun buying books about dating. I'm thinking about it, preparing myself. My goal is to get familiar with the dating scene around here first. Go to some singles events that our church offers. It will probably be 6 months before I will think about going on my first date. But I'm preparing myself mentally.

Anyway, my new stash of books has been a source of great delight at work. A few of the books are very comical in the way they present the information. One is even a comic book that didn't make it's way back to me. It got passed around the office today, to howls of laughter.

We have a wonderful, dynamic blond on our row who as decided she wants to be my dating mentor. She is under the mistaken assumption that I'm a naive, innocent girl. I've tried to reassure her that I really do understand alot about what I'm doing. But it makes no difference. She opposite of me in so many ways. She's a tanning queen who isn't quite sure what her natural color is, but it's blond now. The woman only wears high heels, and pink lipstick. Me, I stay out of the sun for fear of sunburns, and I'm embarrassed by the two times I did try to dye my hair.

But today we had a real interesting conversation. Basically she told me, she better not find out that I'm having pre-marital sex. She said she couldn't imagine me doing that, and it would destroy her image of who I am. I reassured her that I had even taken vows to that effect, that I would not engage in pre-marital sex. I was shocked that she was so relieved to find that out.

My religion and personal beliefs are something I keep quiet. I rarely share my testimony because it is something so precious to me. Obviously though, the way I live my life give other's a glimpse into my soul. They realize that I live in a different world than they do, that I might be removed from certain elements of the world. I'm funny, they expect zingers from me, and yet I get the question, Do you ever say anything bad about anyone?

I guess I'm just marveling that I'm truly living my religion, and people are noticing. They can see that I'm different. I joke, I have fun, I'm not a straight laced stuck in the mud, and my co-worker's know I'm in the world, but not of the world.

Father's time

My daughter got dropped off early. At 7:30 am I saw the car pull up with her. I was eating my cereal before church at the dining room table, and looked up to notice the car parked in front of our apartment. Soon that knock came on the door.

"She wanted to go to Church," was the explanation given.

I was surprised. I mean, my ex places alot of value on church, and it's normally his weak spot. I asked my daughter if she wanted to go choose a church dress, but she said no. She wanted her blankie. She went and curled up on her bed with her familiar blankie, sucking her thumb.

I guess my daughter has found her father's weak spot, too. I know this kid, and she's going thru a big testing phase right now. She's being a regular little pill, throwing temper tantrums, and refusing to do things. And she's learning all sorts of nasty things to say in an attempt to tattle on the adults around her. The babysitter said my daughter has been reporting that I didn't feed her breakfast. I laughed and said, no my daughter was sleeping thru breakfast, or simply playing at the table and refusing her food. The babysitter laughed and said, I knew it had to be something like that, but I wanted to let you know what she's saying.

So, all day at church, she was a regular little pill. I had to march her out of church for a corner twice. I hardly got her back in church, but she goes to dump my purse upside down. She was bent on frustrating me.

My daughter tested her father, she wanted to find out, does Daddy love me enough to set limits. Will Daddy reassure me that my time with him is safe no matter what happens? She wanted to know that Daddy values her, and will fight tooth and nail to spend time with her. Instead she found out that pleading to go to church will get Daddy to drop her off early. And she was not happy with that discovery.

Once we got home from church she would hardly leave my side. She wanted to reassure herself that I was really here. She spent alot of time cuddling with me, searching for that physical reassurance. But I can't feel the real gap, the reassurance of her father that he loves her and will be there for her.

Feet to the Fire

I finally got a chance to hold the kid’s feet to the fire, and boy did they squirm.

Tuesday night, Chick-Fil-A night! But the kids didn’t clean their room or get their homework done. Instead they ran around screaming and carrying on.

At 7pm I declared that I was going to Chick-Fil-A. They both corrected me, no, we’re going to Chick-Fil-A. I ordered them into the car and we took off. The whole way there they questioned me. They knew they were in trouble, but they thought maybe they were getting away with something.

“Try not to worry about it,” I said repeatedly. Basically it means the exact opposite. It means I’m not worried about this in the least, but you had better start doing some thinking real quick.

I pulled up to Chick-Fil-A and went thru the drive thru. That’s when the kids started to realize what was up. Some howls started to come up from the back seat. Two kids quickly said they were willing to go home and clean their room. They promised me the moon, trying to bribe their way inside the restaurant.

“But Mommy, we want to play with our friends!”

“Mommy, Ms. Laura is there, can’t we go do crafts.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said in a real calm quiet voice. “This is really said for you.”

And then things got a whole lot worse for them. Because the only person who ate from Chick-Fil-A tonight was me. The kids had to listen to me order, and watch me get my food. They cried in the backseat. And as we drove past Ms. Laura I suggested that they wave at her.

“She’ll be here next week,” I told them hopefully. Wow, that was some real sad crying coming from the backseat.

Needless to say, when we got home, there was some fast action on cleaning up the house and finishing the homework. I settled down and enjoyed my food in front of them, holding their feet to the fire, making sure they knew what they missed.

Once they got everything cleaned up, they each got some ravioli, and off to bed they went. Next week I want to bet they’ll get things done in very quick order. I’m sure this will be a motivating experience for them.

I'm not a victim

Being a victim is a terrible place to be. Your life is out of control, and things simply won’t settle down. You keep paying the consequences of someone else’s actions. Anger and frustration build. Anxiety rules the day. Each minute is spent in a nightmare of imagination, what else might go wrong in your life.

A friend of mine stated that half the reason my children act up is because of their father. I came down on him like a ton of bricks, saying I take full responsibility for my children’s actions. He laughed saying, yeah I kind of thought you would take that noble position.

Position? What position is there to take? I refuse to be a victim in my life. I have lived my days there, and I will not go back. I have taken the reigns of my life and refuse to relinquish them.

A victim is powerless to change the circumstances. A victim cannot control her children’s behavior.

So, I am a powerful woman, able to shape my children’s behavior. My children will be well-behaved, respectful people. It doesn’t matter what their father does or doesn’t do, I have taken control of the situation.

6th Birthday

We celebrated my daughter's 6th birthday this week. As you can see she received some craft projects for her birthday. My son also got a craft project.

Since then I've been having to patrol paint and markers! Man two kids and supplies is not a good thing. My son washed a monster off the door.

Swirling Emotions

My husband left me two years ago. And we've been pursuing our divorce since then. For the last 6 months I've been on anti-anxiety medicine. It's taking so long, and I feel trapped in limbo. But now we have a court date for our final decree, June 8th. And instead of feeling a sense of freedom, I feel like I need to go back to the doctor and get on stronger medicine. I'm having trouble focusing, and can't quite see everything around me. I'm dizzy, and drained of my energy. It is so hard to push myself to get things done. It's almost as if I've slipped into a depression.

I am desperate to be free of this marriage. My life feels trapped, and stagnant. I guess I'm really scared that the day will come and nothing will get accomplished. We've had so many court dates it feels like. (Well, only two really, and tons of ones that were rescheduled, and meetings with the mediator, and reschedules there, etc.) It seems like everything takes so long to accomplish, that I'm scared to pin my hopes on this day.

And I'm also scared to face the reality of being divorced. I avoid thinking about the court room and how I will feel when it is completed. There will be some things that come loose in me instantly. And other things that I think I should feel, I won't. I'll be a mixture of wild euphoric emotions, and dead, numb calmness. I kind of want a friend to go with me because I'm afraid I'm going to have a melt down. I've waited so long for this, and worked so hard, and to have it all done will be a kind of loss. I mean, I'm working really hard to kill something I once loved: my marriage.

That thought tears me up. I loved being married. I can't explain it. I worked so hard to love my husband and being a good wife and mother. And now I'm working equally hard to kill this thing.

And I want to date. Don't know how I'll ever have the time. And I have no clue how my children will handle it. I'm scared for me and scared for them. I've got learn dating all over again. With so little time, how will I squeeze it all in?

I'm a basket case of emotions that most of the time I try to ignore. I try to stuff them inside of me and my massage therapist said, you feel like you should be coughing, there's something in here that needs to get out. Wish I could just cough everything up! Instead it's swirling around in my head, and though I'm exhausted, I can hardly fall asleep.

My Alchemist in training

My son is my curious child. He gets into things, tries it out. What happens when you use markers on the wall? What about glue on the carpet, or grease on the clothing. He's not trying to be destructive. He's just being a curious seven year old.

Lately he's been finding my bottles of mixed essential oils. The bottles fascinate him. They are small with "child proof" lids. And then some of the bottles have droppers in them. Each oil has it's own scent, which is another alluring trait. He'll find a bottle, and then dump the contents into something, so he can play with them. I finally figured it out, he likes the oil. He sees me use them, and he's playing at being big, not quite sure what to do with it, but he likes them.

So, the other day, I brought out my whole stash. All my essential oils came out, along with the mixing supplies. I allowed each child to mix up their own special blend. We smelled all the oils, The kids made faces to let me know what they thought of things. We developed a small pile of chosen oils next to each kid. In their own bottle they were allowed to drip the oils. My son had a blast creating his ideal scent.

My daughter played the game, but she was never able to get her mixture to turn out the way she wanted. She used too many of "invigorating" scents and ended up with a very strong medicinal mixture. On the other hand, my son managed to get it just right. His mixture is so appealing. We put drops in his bath, and then I later massaged him down with his own special oil. He was in hog heaven, one very happy boy.

I took it to work with me. I shared it with my massage therapist. She was blown away when I said my son made it. Everybody keeps asking me what the component ingredients are, and I don't know! He did a fantastic job. He really has a knack for this sort of thing. Can't say the same for his sister though!

Abuse

I watched Oprah today, and it was about abused women. It showed a man who video taped his wife while he was abusing her. He wanted to replay it and show her just how stupid she behaved.

That brought back memories for me. My ex was verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive.

I watched her stand there, face blank as he yelled things at her. I remember sitting in the chair, hardly hearing what my ex said. I listened enough to be able to say things. All I wanted was to say the right thing so his yelling would stop. And I kept my face just as impassive so he wouldn't see how bad I was hurting. I knew if he saw my real pain, he would launch into me again, why couldn't I be strong, I had children I had to be strong for. Knock off that crying, quit the self-pity, that's weak!

He often accused me of abusing the children. He would yell at me in front of my step-children. He controlled who I talked to, which shows I watched on TV, and so many other things.

My ex left me after I started to gain a backbone and resist him. Of course that only made it worse at times. As I squirreled money away he accused me of stealing. Every time I did something without his approval he became furious.

He would yell at me, lecture me, tell me it was for my own good. He was trying to teach me how to be a good mother to the children. If I would just do what he said we'd have a good family life. He made fun of me, said I was fat and needed to get the lap-band procedure done. He accused me of neglecting the house.

The line of accusations went on and on. But as I resisted him, he found interest in someone else who was willing to acquiesce to his desires. And he left me. I didn't plan it that way. I just wanted to survive my marriage for my children's sake.

But now I know things to avoid. At all costs, avoid a knight in shining armor. A guy who has a complex about saving women is likely to abuse. I need to avoid being in need of saving, I need to be independent and self sufficient. Also, who is critical of other opinions. That intolerance of other people's ideas is a red flag for a controlling individual. There are so many other red flags that I will avoid now.

Sick

Man alive, I haven't been this sick in a long time. I've got a terrible tummy bug. But even worse, one of my lymph nodes is swollen and very painful.

I didn't know there were lymph nodes behind the ears. I wasn't sure which was worse, the cramping of my stomach with this bug, or the throbbing pain that radiated down every muscle that had the tiniest connection to my neck. Talking is very painful right now because my jaw moves. Picking things up even hurts.

Today I slept 7 hours straight. And will probably go back to bed here in a few minutes and do the same.

Thank goodness for my ex. He's not going to win any father of the year contests, but I really appreciate his willingness to take both of the kids this evening. I don't know if I could deal with them. Waiting for my medicine at Wal-Mart was bad enough. I was sprawled out on their bench, hyperventilating in pain, thinking seriously about spewing what little water was in my stomach all over their floor.

Me and my exhausted body are going to go crawl back into bed now. Hopefully I will imerge tomorrow like a butterfly, beautiful, fluttering around. I'm willing to settle for a person who can walk without holding her head in pain.

Playing at being big

Kids learn thru imitation. Their first imitations are basically play. They play house, play school, play doing Mom's chores. And Mom cleans up the mess of laundry detergent strewn all over the house. The little scientist wanted to know what it was, and how to use it. They see Mommy using it. Make-up, wood working tools, and toilet paper all fall under the same spell.

My kids are playing with money. They earn and spend it. Not very wisely I might add. They buy what ever they can afford, with little thought to the long term enjoyment of the item. Purchasing something is more of a game with them. They have watched me buy stuff, and so they are thrilled at their chance to do likewise. It's a game that has a small reward, the thing they take home.

Earning money is starting to take on some serious attributes though. My son is gradually earning the $20 to buy back his bike, and pay for the vacuum cleaner he totalled. I set the expectation that he will put $2 aside each week. He's gotten pretty good about doing the chores to earn his money. Today he decided to do chores to earn the full amount, instead of paying some of it out of the money he already had.

When the kids get in trouble, they often get a choice of paying me to solve their problem, or solving it on their own. My daughter likes to pay me, but my son often solves his own problem. He's realized he likes having cash on hand. I'm sometimes amazed how much cash he'll pull out of that little wallet of his.

I hope and pray they'll learn the true value of money at an early age, so they can spend wisely when it really matters.

Note to self

Memory verses that cover key points of doctrine, write them on light colored construction paper, and in dark markers. That way the kids can partially see thru the paper. Then the kids want to recite these memory verses more often.

Each week we have a memory verse. We practice it in the car. (Helps to cut down the screaming He hit me, she took my binder.) And then on Sunday the kids are allowed to recite as many memory verses as they want. 10 cents per memory verse, and my son probably recited 12 today. He's had this same pile of verses for over a year. Some of them he knows really well.

Today I was watching him recite a verse. He was reading it thru the sheet, or at least he thought he was. I saw that his eyes didn't move down to the next line. He was actually saying it from memory, and verifying with his eyes, if his eyes could keep up with his mouth.

I've always been surprised at how much memory verses really work for transmitting the doctrine. My kids will ask the most amazing questions. The truths really do settle into their soul and mind.

Double Jepordy

One of the keys to our constitution was the clause that a person can not be tried twice for the same crime, Double Jepordy. Once judgement and punishment have been handed out, the crime is not revisited. A different judge doesn't get to hand out punishment that he thinks is more suitable for the crime. And once you've served your time, the punishment phase is over.

My ex missed this class at school.

Both of my kids are going thru a real testing phase right now. And some of it is getting expressed at school. A couple of time my son has spent hours with the assitant princple during in school suspension. Other times he's had detention for threatening comments he's made, "I'm going to kill you!"

And my ex has now decided that he's going to be the involved parent. Since my son messes up at school, my ex has decided to punish my son at his home. Okay, spitting on a kid means you don't get to play outside.

How wonderful!

I keep imagine the conversation I would love to have with him.

Me: Now how's this working out for you?

Him: Well since you don't follow thru I've had to do something. I mean, even though the kids live with you, you don't discpline them.

Me: I can sure see how you would feel that way. What are you going to do about it?

Him: What am I going to do about? I am doing something about it! I'm making sure this kid knows it's not right to mess up in school. Since you won't talk to him about, I'm doing it.

Me: Hmm . . . Is it getting the results you want?

Him: No, because you aren't doing anything about it. He's just getting worse and worse. You need to sit him down and talk to him about his behavior. He's with you most of the time, so I know where this behavior comes from. I don't know what you're doing to this kid. I don't have enough time to get him straightened out, but I'm doing what I can.

Me: Thank you for sharing that, would you like to hear what some other parents have done about it?

Him: I don't need to hear what any other parent has done about this. I've already raised 5 kids, I know exactly what I'm doing. You're the one who needs to find out what you're doing.

Me: Well, let me know how this works out for you. Meanwhile, I need to get the kids home.


Wish I could do something like that. I would leave his head spinning. By the time we got done, he wouldn't know what he was yelling about. And it tends to send him over the top when I stay calm and have one liners that are so adroit.

Oh well!

Oh Shucks, they were good!

I had it all planned! I was prepared today. And wouldn't you know it, my kids finally went along with the program. I didn't get to hold their feet to the fire. I was so disappointed! They kids were obedient and did what they were supposed to do, with no nagging, reminding or anything from me!

Tuesday nights are our Chick-Fil-A night. The local Chick-Fil-A has a woman who comes and does crafts with the kids every Tuesday. There is a regular crowd of kids that come. I love the chance to be with my kids, and not have to be "parenting" them. The kids eat dinner, go do their craft, play in the play area. I get to watch, and enjoy them, spend fun time together with my kids.

Just one thing, I do insist that the home work be done, and the bedroom be cleaned before we leave for Chick-Fil-A. So, my son whines, I don't want to do my homework. He sits at the table and eats his pencil. My daughter dumps the toy box upside down, and crawls underneath. And most Tuesday's I sit hyperventilating, thinking how am I supposed to handle this?

Finally last week I got inspiration. Let's do a Love and Logic Training session. I thought thru the different examples I had heard on my CD and finally came up with my plan. I called a dear grandmotherly lady in our Ward and asked her if she'd help me. She agreed, and we planned together.

She was scheduled to drop by the house at the appointed hour. I would simply walk out the door. "Kids, gotta pay the babysitter. $1 per hour if your good, $2 per hour if your naughty. I'm going to Chick-Fil-A, see you when I get back." And out I go, leaving them in stunned silence, followed quickly by screaming, yelling and running as I drive off.

I planned to go get an hour of peace, and then come home. That would have been some very reformed kids! They would have been converted to getting out the door on time!

Oh well, there's always next week. I can hope pray they blow it so they'll have a real world learning experience. They can learn that when you don't get stuff done on time, you miss out on some of the stuff that's really important. Love and Logic 101!