Divorced

The divorce is final. It was a long two years working towards this, but it finally happened. Once it was all said and done I cried. I stood at the window letting the tears finally flow. My emotions were a jumbled up mess. I felt sorrow for the marriage and dreams that I loss. But I also felt such relief.

And then I came home and celebrated my release. I've been changing some of the decorations in my house. I'm going to mark this change, and upgrade my life. There is no reason my house shouldn't like how I want it to look.

I'm happy. I'm very relieved the waiting is done, and I can get on with my life.

Lions and Love

I've been reading a book called Look before you Love. Thought it seemed like a very appropriate title. Really it's about Fung Sheui, and using those techniques to see what's reflected about a person in their home.

In reading it, I've started to make some Fung Sheui choices about my own home. Mind you, I don't believe the way my home is right now is holding me back in any way. But I do think, that by making conscience choices, I will help myself. Not because the technique is right, but because I'm making choices.

That being said, this book has forced me to look at issues I wasn't even aware that I was hiding from. (Good book!) I've been hiding from intimacy, and I'm not using that as a euphemism for sexual relations here. I mean emotional intimacy, real and honest love.

For seven years I was married to a man who never really loved me. I knew that our relationship was more a working partnership to give the children a stable home. And it most times it was a stable home. We provided a good family life. That was really important to me. I value being a stay-at-home Mom, and giving my children a two parent family.

I was unwilling to upset the boat. I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize the gifts that I was giving the children. Because my heart ached for real intimacy. There was a hunger for love. We as humans are meant to live in couples. Our spirit knows it. It's not that someone completes us because I am a complete creation of my Heavenly Father. There is nothing that needs to be added or taken away from me. But as a couple, we become more, the sum of the parts is greater than the individual parts. A couple supports one another, and they help each other climb.

Anyway, right now it is very hard for me to look at people in love. I've trained myself to shy away quickly. For seven years it has been the sacrifice I had to make to give the children a family. And I'm finding it hard to break that habit.

I feel like I'm going to let a hungry lion loose if I open that part of myself up. A starved lion is a better image. I'm afraid my heart will go gobble up anything in sight. Some how I have to bridle this starving lion, and ride it out. I've got to run the dating show, not the lion. Believe me, I'm really scared of this lion, and what it will do to me. I'm scared my desire is going to get the best of me, or get me depressed, or lead me into bad choices.

Anyone know how to put a bit in a lion's mouth?

Late Night negotiations

My lawyer has been trying to strike a deal with my soon to be ex husband's lawyer. And last night they finally had a break thru. It looks like I won't get as much back child support as we thought. And I'll probably end up with standard visitation. Standard will probably be better in the end.

But it looks like we'll actually have the final on Friday. Which has been my main concern. I want to be done with this thing. For two years I've been going thru this process, and it's been terrible. I want to move on with my life, and truly heal.

Panic Central

Today has been really hectic and terrible. My soon to be ex husband went to visit his lawyer, and negotiation began in earnest. He's really fighting two issues. He doesn't want to be stuck with a certain visitation schedule. And he's very upset that he owes me so much back child support.

My lawyer sent me on a fact finding mission about the back child support. It was complicated, but basically I had to track down some checks for her. I've been back and forth with the bank trying to get this information. I finally have a way to get the information. Tomorrow at work I'll send my lawyer the copies of all these checks. It should put an end to the child support argument.

We're hoping that by smashing that argument to pieces he'll realize that we have the law on our side, and he'll acquiesce on the other points. Otherwise it could be some wrangling between the lawyers.

Me, I've been tied up in knots over all this. I could hardly eat anything today, my stomach is so upset. I'm really nervous that we won't settle the visitation question by Friday, our deadline. And then for a while I was in panic mode getting the checks. It took a few hours, and a few calls back to the bank to figure out how to access that information. The fact that I was panicking didn't make it any easier on me.

Storms over Texas

This evening we had another storm roll in. That was two storm today. Both of them blew in with a vengeance, and blew out quickly. I've heard that we had only two days last month with no rain. I would believe it. Even days with a 10% chance of rain, it storms like crazy. The wind whips the trees around, and lightening dances across the sky. Thunder booms in the background. Tonight we lost power 2 or 3 times.
But after the storm, the sky was peach cast. And a rainbow appeared on the eastern horizon. A light drizzle continued to fall. I have seen more rainbows in the last month then in the 12 years I've lived in Texas.

And let me put out call for pictures. I'm working on an art project that will be a collage of pictures. I have my own variety of flower pictures, and kid pictures. I would love more African pictures, buildings, landscapes, etc. Basically anything of beauty, anything remarkable, or anything simply saturated with color.

I set out on this project to keep me busy as the final for my divorce approaches. It also gives me something to work on once the divorce is final, that is, if it really goes thru this time. I need something to pull me thru, and this is what I've decided to do.

Peace Offering

My next door neighbor . . . what to say, I'm at a loss of words.

My son has found his favorite spot to dig. In between my neighbor's apartment, and the next apartment down is some wonderful wet clay dirt. It's the dark squishy kind, and he loves to dig in it. It drives my neighbor insane. She's taken to yelling at me about it.

"We never had puddles there before your little boy started digging there. Every time it rains now I'm scared it's going to flood our apartment. If it does I'm going to call management and tell them you are responsible."

It reminds me of listening to my kids. If you don't take out the trash I'm going to take your blankie, and you can't make me give it back.

Today she really went to town. She said my son was a dangerous kid, and I don't watch my kids well enough. She just went up one side and down the other. I felt like telling her, look, talk to my son about this, not me. For some reason, I don't think she'd get as much pleasure out of yelling at my son. He would see right thru all her words, and see her threats were really nothing. He wouldn't even pay attention.

Truth is, I hardly pay her any mind. The only reason I do try to keep my son out of her way is because her grandkids come over. Her two grandkids are the age of my kids, and all four of them play together quite often. I know how much my two adore those two.

Today she declared my son too dangerous to play with her grandkids. And she said she was punishing me by not allowing her two to come out. To be honest, it doesn't bother me in the least. But it does upset me to think of her two grandkids being punished for my son's actions. Those two kids are trapped inside, and not allowed to play with my two kids because my son won't follow her rules. That is totally out of line, and that offends me.

I sat thinking, fuming, and praying God give me a chance to turn this woman's medicine back on her.

And you know what, I actually got an answer to my prayer. Heavenly Father redirected my heart. The Holy Spirit whispered, pray for her, do good for those who dispitefully use you. I sat there thinking, how can I do that.

We made a peace offering. We ran off to Target and made a gift basket for them. A pie, a DVD for the kids, craft things for the children, a bag of nuts, and some dried fruit, along with some hot cocoa. I got a small card that says something about may this gift bring joy to your heart.

We left the basket on their doorstep, and DID NOT knock. I explained to the kids that we needed to be Heavenly Father's hands for Granny. We needed to do something nice for her, and never let her know we did it. If she knew we did it, she might not enjoy the gift.

We're making a peace offering, trying to create a spirit of friendship and peace between our two homes. I impressed on the kids that they need to try and follow Granny's rules so that the peace offering really does bring her peace. That made some sense to them.

I don't know if it will work on her. But I know it's already helped me. I feel more forgiving towards her. It's a start at least.

Hebrews and Kids

Hebrews 10: 1-4
For the law having a shadow of good things to come, and not the very image of things, can never with those sacrifices which they offered year by year continually make the comers thereunto perfect. For then would they not have ceased to be offered? because that the worshippers once purged should have had no more conscience of sins. But in those sacrifices there is a remembrance again made of sins every year. For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and of goats should take away sins.

I read this passage sitting outside my kids room. And what came to mind what an incident that happened today. My son decided to steal my money jar. I made him give me back all the money, and then pay me back for the worry and upset he caused me. For is it not possible that the sweat of cleaning a bathroom, and roar of a vacuum cleaner should take away sins.

Wow, this passage really hit home in so many ways. The sacrifice of our actions can never put a sin right. But it does help us to let go of our guilt. Sacrifice is not for God, but for us. When my children know that they have "paid me back" they feel a sense of relief.

But the point of the law was to teach what sin is. And the point of paying back it to teach my children to make better choices. Leaving toys thru out the house is a bad choice, with consequence. But the point is not to teach them to pay me back, to clean a bathroom to pay back the energy that was taken from me when I had to pick up the toys. The point is to instill the voice in their head that says, it might be a good idea to clean up.

The point of the law is to direct our steps, show us what behavior is good, and what behavior is going to hurt us.