Crying over Christmas presents

Tonight I had a melt down. Bawling, heaving sobs, melt down.

My son is a curious little guy. And he's discovered where I stash unwrapped things in my closet. I don't know how, but he's capable of climbing up to the top of my closet in search of the wonderful things hidden there at this time of the year.

Tonight as I was putting the two of them to bed, my daughter discovered that he had left a little something on her pillow. I looked at her in horror, and then she reported that her brother had put it there. I asked him to get me what ever was in his bed. He looked at me with wide-eyed feigned innocence, pleading there was nothing in his bed. This big game we play with Mom to con some toys out of Mom. Well, his sister let the cat out of the bag: "He has the pirate ship in the closet."

I wanted to go thru the roof. The special thing that I knew he would love, bought especially for Christmas, he had it in the closet. I demanded that he get it. Out came the half built pirate ship. He looked slightly sheepish, caught in the act, but not very remorseful. I was totally horrified. I wanted to hit something and cry. The box was ripped open, and the contents half pulled out.

"That's your Christmas present!" I finally said, tears welling up in my eyes. I don't know if it was frustration, or anger. "What am I supposed to put under the tree for you?"

My tears began to flow in earnest. My son looked sick. His face fell. Suddenly what had been a fun game of "stealing" from Mom became something totally different. It was stealing from himself. He looked at it, and looked back at me, realizing exactly what he had stollen. But more importantly, I could see him asking, what will I get for Christmas.

I had him put everything back in the box. I finally left the room, sobbing. What do I do for Christmas? Do I just give up and let him have the toy? Do I wrap it, and put it under the tree? Do I drop it off at Goodwill, and buy something different? I didn't know what to do, and sobbed big gulping sobs myself, confusion and anger welling up inside of me.

My son brought me the box, ripped in half, and all the items. His eyes were bright red with tears. He didn't say anything. His face was totally crushed. After handing me the box he ran back to cry in his room. The sight of Mom's anguish was simply more than he could bear. And yet I knew at the same time he needed my comfort. He needed to know that I still loved him. That we were grieving the loss of our Christmas together. Because that's what was going on. Christmas presents are supposed to be a surprise. They are new toys you have never seen before, and now that had been ruined. So I called him back in. He sat on my lap as we both cried. He snuggled up close, wiping the tears from his face.

Finally he was calm. "Sweetheart, do I need to get a lock for my closet, or will you stay out of it?" I asked. Hey if we are going to have a learning moment, might as well take full advantage of it!

"I'll stay out," he said, eyes red and puffy. I pulled him back close to me.

Later once he was in bed, I taped the box together. I decided that he will get the toy for Christmas. He will see that it really is a Christmas present. He will get the joy of playing with it in the open instead hiding in shame in his closet, sneaking around to play. I will finish this lesson on a good note.

But meanwhile I really want to cry some more.

My son's new pet

See the Long Tail
Originally uploaded by Sunflower Central

Yep, it's a lizard. He actually caught this little guy at my aunt's house. I think it's called a Green Anole. They are native to this area.

I'm not sure if it's going to make it or not. They require alot of specialized care. I don't know if I have the time or energy to put into it like that. Really this guy needs heating lamps, Humidity dusting, crickets that are "gut loaded" and so on. He is part of the Iguana family, and basically needs all the things an iguana would need to live inside.

He's not a hand pet, and never will be. And my son wants him desperately to be. At first the lizard was in the bedroom. But the kids kept taking him out, and letting him run around the bedroom. They were torturing the poor little guy. I put him in the dining room so I can moniture their behavior. I'm not sure at all what I want to do though.

He is a delightful little guy. I found myself sitting at the dining room table just staring at him. He looked at me in mild interest. And then went back to climbing the walls of his cage. They naturally dwell on leaves, shrubs and trees.

New Christmas tradition

Last night was one of those perfect Christmas memories. We hit the ideal, and it was wonderful.

We had FHE, Family Home Evening. And we watched parts of the movie The Nativity Story. My son curled up on my lap and watched it with me. He really enjoyed it, and seemed to get alot of out it. And plus I enjoyed being curled up against him.

We came home to our house glowing in Christmas lights. The kids begged me to read them The Night Before Christmas. I agreed to once they were changed into pj's. Quickly they got changed, and raced back into the front room. We turned off the house lights, and read by the lights of the tree. I don't think the kids had heard the whole poem before, and they really enjoyed it.

My daughter was not in the mood to go to bed yet, and begged me to sing Christmas songs. We sang a few Christmas carols, and secular songs. Their faces glowed with happiness in the multi-colored Christmas lights. It was a happy little moment, that I can tell they will beg me to repeat. I think we've made a new Christmas tradition, read stories, and sing songs by the light of the Christmas tree!

Stressing out here

I think everything hit the fan yesterday. And having come off my medicine cold turkey made it work. Since I was on an addictive anti-anxiety med I'm left with withdrawal symptoms. I feel head achy, dizzy and out of touch, like my head is floating somewhere above me.

The first thing that happened is my babysitter told me she is quitting. She's a stay at home Mom who home schools her own girls, and has a ton of stuff on her plate. I've always been stunned by the number of things she is doing. Well, I guess it just got to be too much and she's had to cut back somewhere. Can't blame her there, I know that feeling.

But it sure does make life hard on me. I have to find a new babysitter. And I think I have to find one by Monday. (I wasn't paying half enough attention to the details when she talked to me. I was simply too stunned to keep track of everything she was saying.) My parents arrive in a week to spend the month of December, so that may keep my head above water. Anyway, it's really stressful, and big involved thing to find another babysitter.

I came home with my head spinning, dizzy and out of touch. And the light in the kids room has gone out. It's complicated, but the solution will be finding a new lamp, probably a swag lamp. I ran up to Lowe's. No swag lamps there. The guy tried to sell me something else. By the end I was holding a florescent light while my kids ran circles around the store, and my head spun in the opposite direction.

Finally I left the store without a lamp for the kids room. My head was spinning and pounding. My stomach joined the circus act, clamping down. Without light in their room, the kids ran around the front room, and my room the whole evening. I tried to do some Internet searches, but the screaming, yelling and other kid junk made it impossible.

To make matters worse, my bathroom toilet overflowed last night.

I'm pretty worried about finding a child care solution for the kids. I've got a ton of feelers out. I'm not sure what I'm doing about the light in the kids room.

Grandpa Charles

My grandfather is dying. He doesn't look like it. He's up walking around, going to check the mail, helping out at the house, and all the usual stuff. But one of the heart valves has basically quit working. They've got him on medicine to help. At the most he has a year.

Last year it was my grandmother who died. She had Alzheimer's. In some ways we were actually relieved when she passed.

Grandpa Charles is 90 years old. He worked hard, and has been retired for all of my life. They owned a farm for years. Think Gentleman farmer here. He had a wonderful garden which he enjoyed. There were sheep out in the pasture. And my grandparents ran the Senior Center in their small town. My grandfather helped the elderly manage their finances, run computers, and so much more.

It is so hard for me to accept that I have probably seen him for the last time. He walked over to check the mail with my two kids jumping and skipping behind him. I watched him restock the squirrel feeder outside their front window.

I am so glad that we could spend this week-end with them. My children are the only great-grand children. They got to see their Great-Grandparents happy, busy and doing normal things. It's not like Ganny last year, in the hospital, hardly even able to speak.

In some ways it's worse.

Thanksgiving

This year we went out to Oregon for Thanksgiving. My grandparents were celebrating their 60th Wedding anniversary on Sunday. Just so happened that the cheapest flight had us leaving Thanksgiving morning, arriving at 12 noon! Happy coincidence, and plus that way I wouldn't have to worry about Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, we got out to the airport on time for our 8:45am flight. The boarding area quietly filled up with other people who made this choice. It was a peaceful morning compared to the chaos of the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. My kids watched as our plane pulled up to the gate and preparations began for us to leave.

That was when things hit the fan. Our flight went on mechanical delay. Immediately the flight schedules flashed thru my head. Being a travel agent, I had checked my own flights in depth. This flight to Salem, OR was only one of two flights per day. If I missed my connection that was it. I checked in at the counter to ask if my assumption was correct. The gate agent pulled up flights and gave me a sad nod of the head. Yep, if the delay lasted too long I was going to be spending the night in Salt Lake City instead of eating Grandma's turkey with my relatives.

I used to work for Delta, as a ticket agent at the Airport. I know to plan for the worst case scenario, so this was something I had thought of. I considered calling my grandparents, but the time change put it at 6:45 am. My son pressed his nose against the window staring at the plane.

"Are we going to get on this one, Mommy?"

"I don't know, baby."

Finally they said it. The engine had a mechanical issue. They needed to replace a certain part. The part was not available at the Dallas hanger, but would have to be flown in. Translation, flight is leaving at 3pm, and we are so dead. Mad rush for the ticket counter. I was the third one in line, and ended up waiting over half an hour.

As I waited I called my grandparents. And then my phone rang, Delta calling me to say that the plane was delayed. Well, obviously I already knew that. I listened to people in front of me frantically try to get re booked on an American Airlines flight. Working out there over 10 years ago left me kind of averse to that plan. American can be stinkers about taking tickets. And then there are the problems with the bags.

I got re booked on a later flight. And Delta agreed to put me up in Salt Lake City for the night. Lots of vouchers were issued to pay for meals.

Now our only problem was that we had a three hour wait till the next flight. Fortunately I found the kids play area. The kids enjoyed that for 2 hours. We grabbed some lunch, and made our flight to Salt Lake City.

No problem getting a hotel there. Our bags also arrived with us. (Doubt that would have happened if we had switched airlines.) And we found ourselves checked into the Comfort Suites for the night. Since we were one of 3 people in the hotel, the manager gave the kids the okay to swim in their shorts. They splashed and ran themselves crazy. After a long day of being trapped in spaces, it was precisely what they needed.

Our next problem was dinner. Many of the places that would normally take our vouchers were closed for Thanksgiving. Our choices were to go back out to the Airport and eat there, go next door and pay $30 in addition to our vouchers for Thanksgiving dinner, or go to Denny's and pay for dinner ourselves. We ended up going to Denny's. Proverbial Thanksgiving at Denny's!

So that was my Thanksgiving, delivered by a very nice fresh faced college student who did magic tricks for my kids. Not what I expected, but I will admit that it was a very calm and relaxed day! For a Holiday that normally stresses the female members of our society, I did quite well. Didn't spend too much money, got to spend the night in a hotel, on someone else's nickle. It wasn't too bad, all things considered. And my kids really did enjoy themselves!

Jesus

Monday night was our weekly FHE group. (Family Home Evening) Think Sunday school, except in the home, with the parents teaching the lesson. Great idea, and it's a cultural thing in our church. So single people tend to form FHE groups because you can't give a lesson to just yourself, that's personal scripture study. And me, as a single Mom, I do NOT have time to plan and do a lesson with the kids each week. Instead we show up.

This week we watched a video showing passion week. My son curled up on my lap to watch with me. We've read our Bible stories together before, but there was something different about seeing it on a video. This was live action, not cartoon. My son tipped his head close to mine, and I whispered explanations in his ear.

"See how Jesus is breaking the bread, and passing it? Jesus is showing them the sacrament."

I nearly wept for him to witness Jesus being whipped. I could feel his body tighten. I explained the crown of thorns, and he scrunched down as if to get away from the thorns on his head. I whispered reminders of how Jesus took our sins upon him to break the bounds of sin and death.

We watched Jesus come up to Golgotha. Sorrow filled my being as I knew what was to come. I know Jesus's death was vital to my salvation. It was a gift given in love to me, something that I should rejoice in. But I feel such deep sorrow that he did have to die.

A sharp gasp came from my son as they put the nails in his hands. His eyes widen to realize exactly what had happened. Yes, Jesus went thru that for you and me. I held him close.

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That evening my son's bedtime prayers were influenced by the video. He thanked our Heavenly Father for Jesus and the sacrifice on the cross. I could hear the depth of conviction in his voice. There was sorrow, and awe that someone would really go thru that. It was a heartfelt prayer of thanks for the gift of salvation that was bought with Christ's blood.

And my heart sang to see my young child grow in his personal relationship with his Savior.