Today I got in touch with my lawyer. I’ve been calling her since the beginning of February. I almost didn’t know what to say when her voice came on the line. I stuttered, thinking of the message I was about to leave.
I got off the phone totally elated. She said she needed one set of information from me to start pulling the case together for the final decree. I knew exactly where to find the information at home, and promised to get it to her by tomorrow.
And since then my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride. I dream of being free to move on with my life. The grass is greener on the other side, and I want to get there. I’ll be divorced, and all my problems will suddenly melt away. My issues with panic attacks will cease because I will no longer be trapped. Life will be wonderful!
But that’s not what will really happen. In reality, my panic attacks will probably get worse. Change takes a lot of energy. And I’m not sure I’m up for it. I’ve been in this limbo stage of separation for so long, will I know what it means to be divorced? Will my life really suddenly get moving? And what does it mean to get moving. How do I move my life along? Nothing in my home will change. A piece of paper doesn’t change the way I put my kids to bed at night, or the way I do laundry. It won’t suddenly make my kids quit screaming at each other. No, if anything, the divorce will make my panic worse because I do have to go out and face the public now as a truly single woman.
I’m scared to death of dating. I’m scared of bringing a wonderful man into my life and showing him all my failings. I can’t even stand my own little clutter! It drives me bonkers. Keeping up with housework can drive me to panic attacks sometimes. I want a guy to see all my good sides, but I know I have so many failings. How can a wonderful man accept a woman like me? I come with so little.
And I know when I say stuff like that I’m selling my self short. I know I really have a lot to offer. But I’m so scared of making a mistake. I realize now what a big commitment marriage is. I realized that the first time around. But I didn’t get it that you have to choose well. One committed person can’t make a good marriage.
I’m just scared because I can’t see the road in front of me. I’ve been so focused on getting this divorce; I haven’t stopped to think about what life I will lead after I’m divorced. And now I’m going to have to face that. I’m scared to come out of my prison. And yet I know getting this divorce finalized will be the best thing for me.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Nature of people
I like contrasting things. I think they illuminate the traits of each. I had two very contrasting things happen with my children yesterday.
They were playing outside with the neighbor kids. My next-door neighbors are an elderly couple that have their grandchildren stay with them often. The two young children are the same age as mine, and when here, they like to romp around together. They run thru the grass, and draw on the sidewalk.
Yesterday my two were riding their bikes when the neighbor kids came out to play. In childhood glee, they jumped off their bikes without second thought and ran to join their friends.
After a bit a knock came at my door. The elderly woman was standing at my door.
“Your little boy is leaning his bike up against my car,” she declared. She refused to look me in the eye, instead looking at some point over my shoulder. “If he damages it, you’ll be liable for the paint job.”
Hmm . . not much of a threat there, and why are you using a threat with another adult? Don’t you think I understand the issue?
I know how much it would cost to sue some one. I have an appreciation for the degree of difficulty, and time involved in pursuing one. After spending over 18 months just trying to get divorced, I would know how difficult our legal system is.
Our children play happily together, and you come threaten me? Instead of honoring my intelligence, you try to force my hand.
Okay, next incident. I finally made it to the Whole Foods Market. With all the changes we’re making to our diet, I had to see what products were available there.
The store was crowded, which surprised me. Normally I’m slightly phobic of crowds. People are often mean, and territorial. Like my neighbor, they think they have something that needs to be defended. Out in public, in a crowded store, this ideology can become magnified.
My kids on the other hand, love crowds. The random energy of all those people excites them.
As I reached looked thru the fresh cut herbs, I eavesdropped on a woman.
“All those chemicals on your plants shorten your life,” She gestured at the food, “but here I am, almost done with my life, and now I’m doing something good for myself. I don’t have a lot of time, but at least I’m doing it.”
I smiled to myself. I’m not an organic freak. I know she’s got a point, but I can’t afford to spend that much money on food.
I watched a young family shopping. Two kids were in the kiddy cart, beating each other up, the mother had a baby nestled in a sleeping sling, and another child walked along. They kept pushing the two toddlers back into the cart, and no one took any notice of the child-to-child violence ensuing. Normal behavior for kids that age!
By the time I got to the bulk aisle, I had warmed up this place.
“Okay guys, we need something for the nut bowl,” I parked the cart and went over to the bins of mixed nuts. “Let’s try this one.”
We sampled a few until we found one that worked for us. People scooted by us, smiling as we talked to each other. It wasn’t the blithe ignoring that goes on at Wal-Mart, where you try to act like you can’t hear what someone else is saying.
“Can we get some chocolates?” The kids asked, pointing at the vast selection.
“Yes, we can, but they have to be sugar free.”
The kid began looking up and down, poking between other people, asking, is this one sugar free? People answered them, and smiled at their enthusiasm.
At a crowded health food store, my children fare better than with our neighbor of over a year. Why?
I’m sure it has to do with the type of people who shop a health food store. They are naturally self-aware. They are more inclined to accept their own failings, and those of others. And so the undisciplined, enthusiastic actions of a child are much easier to accept.
They were playing outside with the neighbor kids. My next-door neighbors are an elderly couple that have their grandchildren stay with them often. The two young children are the same age as mine, and when here, they like to romp around together. They run thru the grass, and draw on the sidewalk.
Yesterday my two were riding their bikes when the neighbor kids came out to play. In childhood glee, they jumped off their bikes without second thought and ran to join their friends.
After a bit a knock came at my door. The elderly woman was standing at my door.
“Your little boy is leaning his bike up against my car,” she declared. She refused to look me in the eye, instead looking at some point over my shoulder. “If he damages it, you’ll be liable for the paint job.”
Hmm . . not much of a threat there, and why are you using a threat with another adult? Don’t you think I understand the issue?
I know how much it would cost to sue some one. I have an appreciation for the degree of difficulty, and time involved in pursuing one. After spending over 18 months just trying to get divorced, I would know how difficult our legal system is.
Our children play happily together, and you come threaten me? Instead of honoring my intelligence, you try to force my hand.
Okay, next incident. I finally made it to the Whole Foods Market. With all the changes we’re making to our diet, I had to see what products were available there.
The store was crowded, which surprised me. Normally I’m slightly phobic of crowds. People are often mean, and territorial. Like my neighbor, they think they have something that needs to be defended. Out in public, in a crowded store, this ideology can become magnified.
My kids on the other hand, love crowds. The random energy of all those people excites them.
As I reached looked thru the fresh cut herbs, I eavesdropped on a woman.
“All those chemicals on your plants shorten your life,” She gestured at the food, “but here I am, almost done with my life, and now I’m doing something good for myself. I don’t have a lot of time, but at least I’m doing it.”
I smiled to myself. I’m not an organic freak. I know she’s got a point, but I can’t afford to spend that much money on food.
I watched a young family shopping. Two kids were in the kiddy cart, beating each other up, the mother had a baby nestled in a sleeping sling, and another child walked along. They kept pushing the two toddlers back into the cart, and no one took any notice of the child-to-child violence ensuing. Normal behavior for kids that age!
By the time I got to the bulk aisle, I had warmed up this place.
“Okay guys, we need something for the nut bowl,” I parked the cart and went over to the bins of mixed nuts. “Let’s try this one.”
We sampled a few until we found one that worked for us. People scooted by us, smiling as we talked to each other. It wasn’t the blithe ignoring that goes on at Wal-Mart, where you try to act like you can’t hear what someone else is saying.
“Can we get some chocolates?” The kids asked, pointing at the vast selection.
“Yes, we can, but they have to be sugar free.”
The kid began looking up and down, poking between other people, asking, is this one sugar free? People answered them, and smiled at their enthusiasm.
At a crowded health food store, my children fare better than with our neighbor of over a year. Why?
I’m sure it has to do with the type of people who shop a health food store. They are naturally self-aware. They are more inclined to accept their own failings, and those of others. And so the undisciplined, enthusiastic actions of a child are much easier to accept.
Harmatan Skies over Texas
Everyone here was wondering why the sky turned orange. Lunch at Arby's I could hear people speculating on the brown and orange light, and the haze enveloping us. I knew exactly what it was. It looked just like Harmatan skies.
Growing up in Nigeria, we lived just south of the Sahara. We had two seasons, Rainy, and Dry. During Rainy season the winds came from the south, off the Atlantic Ocean bringing storms. But come about October, the winds shifted. From the north, across the desert the winds blew. Dust came flying in. Flights were canceled due to visibility problems. And our sky was always golden brown.
So as we sat eating our lunch, I explained to the children what was going on.
"Look at the sky, what color is it?"
"Orange!"
"No, it's Brown!" They began arguing.
"The wind has been blowing alot today hasn't it?"
"Yes it knocked over my bike."
"My paper got blown away."
"Well, guess what, the wind has been blowing up some dirt, into the sky. And now the sky is dirty. There is dirt and dust up there, turning the sky brown."
In simple language I explained how this used to happen in Nigeria, but our visibility would be even worse. From our second story window we judged the severity of the Harmatan by how much we could see across the street. There were times when the wall of the other compound was as far as we could see, about 100 yards.
I wish I had my camera with me yesterday, because by the time we got home, the Harmatan skies had blown away. It made me sad. The golden glow had been so familiar, so nice. A strange weather, very particular to my childhood, and teenage years.
Growing up in Nigeria, we lived just south of the Sahara. We had two seasons, Rainy, and Dry. During Rainy season the winds came from the south, off the Atlantic Ocean bringing storms. But come about October, the winds shifted. From the north, across the desert the winds blew. Dust came flying in. Flights were canceled due to visibility problems. And our sky was always golden brown.
So as we sat eating our lunch, I explained to the children what was going on.
"Look at the sky, what color is it?"
"Orange!"
"No, it's Brown!" They began arguing.
"The wind has been blowing alot today hasn't it?"
"Yes it knocked over my bike."
"My paper got blown away."
"Well, guess what, the wind has been blowing up some dirt, into the sky. And now the sky is dirty. There is dirt and dust up there, turning the sky brown."
In simple language I explained how this used to happen in Nigeria, but our visibility would be even worse. From our second story window we judged the severity of the Harmatan by how much we could see across the street. There were times when the wall of the other compound was as far as we could see, about 100 yards.
I wish I had my camera with me yesterday, because by the time we got home, the Harmatan skies had blown away. It made me sad. The golden glow had been so familiar, so nice. A strange weather, very particular to my childhood, and teenage years.
P.S Picture is not mine, but from our local news website. But it gives you a very good idea of what it looked like around here.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Peace I leave with you
I’ve got two images bouncing around in my head. One is of pure joy and peace, and the other is hectic stress.
The stress was when I picked up my kids. Their babysitter works at a drop in day care, and she took my kids with her yesterday. The place was a very busy, child centered environment. Even the carpet was multi colored. I went into sensory overload just being in there for 10 minutes. Kids were running around, screaming and having fun. It felt like pure chaos, even though I could see it wasn’t. In one corner, the movie Cars was playing, kids were playing games on the computer, and other kids were running thru the play area, swinging off things. I felt like it was more than I could keep track of.
And then we have the opposite. This morning at breakfast I had my CD of Classical music playing. Fur Lies and Symphony Pathetique played as we ate our food. My children sat quietly in their places, eating yogurt, and granola bars. My son stared at his applesauce. I smiled, listening to the fast rounds of Fur Lies. My daughter pulled her blanket closer around. My arms still felt warm from snuggling my son. This morning he put his head right up underneath my chin. His soft warm hair nearly put me back to sleep.
Peace. I saw a bumper sticker yesterday. I can’t remember the wording, but it said if you want the world to be at peace, learn to be at peace yourself.
I do want world peace. I want the violence in Nigeria to stop. The conflicts in the Middle East are getting blown out of control, and I want it stop. But I can’t do very much about any of that. But I can have peace in myself. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you, not as the world gives. Peace is moments of prayer with my children as they beg House Fairy to come with lots of toys for them. Peace is cuddling with the children as we read about the Roman Centurion who understood that Jesus could simply say the word.
I will let the peace begin with myself.
The stress was when I picked up my kids. Their babysitter works at a drop in day care, and she took my kids with her yesterday. The place was a very busy, child centered environment. Even the carpet was multi colored. I went into sensory overload just being in there for 10 minutes. Kids were running around, screaming and having fun. It felt like pure chaos, even though I could see it wasn’t. In one corner, the movie Cars was playing, kids were playing games on the computer, and other kids were running thru the play area, swinging off things. I felt like it was more than I could keep track of.
And then we have the opposite. This morning at breakfast I had my CD of Classical music playing. Fur Lies and Symphony Pathetique played as we ate our food. My children sat quietly in their places, eating yogurt, and granola bars. My son stared at his applesauce. I smiled, listening to the fast rounds of Fur Lies. My daughter pulled her blanket closer around. My arms still felt warm from snuggling my son. This morning he put his head right up underneath my chin. His soft warm hair nearly put me back to sleep.
Peace. I saw a bumper sticker yesterday. I can’t remember the wording, but it said if you want the world to be at peace, learn to be at peace yourself.
I do want world peace. I want the violence in Nigeria to stop. The conflicts in the Middle East are getting blown out of control, and I want it stop. But I can’t do very much about any of that. But I can have peace in myself. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you, not as the world gives. Peace is moments of prayer with my children as they beg House Fairy to come with lots of toys for them. Peace is cuddling with the children as we read about the Roman Centurion who understood that Jesus could simply say the word.
I will let the peace begin with myself.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Changes in store
When I stopped by the Health Food store on Saturday, I didn’t expect to change my whole diet, but that’s what happened.
I was talking with the girls who work the vitamin section. I’ve been keeping an eye out for products for my son. His teacher thinks he has ADD, and I think she flunks all together too many students. But it’s too late in the year to switch him. Switching teachers at this late stage would be very traumatic on him. Flunking first grade is a known consequence. A friend that he goes to church with and goes to school with is on his second round thru first grade. Never mind, the friend had the same teacher the first go round.
Okay, point is, at school he is easily distracted, and does not complete his work.
At home he does a great job of getting his home work done, even with his sister running all over the house.
But, he does have moments where he is very distracted, and it takes a lot of work to focus him. He also exhibits what they call hyper kinesis. He has times where he moves in a fast, angry manner. He’ll punch a pillow repeatedly, very fast.
We’ve taken the tests. The teacher’s version said he was dead on ADD. My version showed him on the edge of the bell curve, still within normal, but drifting towards ADD.
There is no way I’m putting him on medicine. I don’t think its right for him. I don’t believe he’s really ADD. I think the situation in this classroom has exacerbated his natural tendency.
So, I’m left with natural treatment options to help him cope. I’ve been using the Bach Floral remedies, and those have helped. But they really aren’t geared towards what he needs.
As I said, I was talking with the girls who work there. They stated that some research has shown that many ADD/ADHD kids have hypoglycemia. This hit home, since I’m insulin resistant. I’m on diabetes medicine. I don’t follow the diabetes diet, but instead I’m vegetarian. Research has shown that vegetarian diet often works well for my condition.
One of them copied off some pages, and the other showed me some homeopathic remedies that work well with ADD. The suggested that I go sugar free, high protein, low carbs with my son for a while.
Once home I curled up with the literature. I read it thru, did some Internet searches. My conclusions are that both my son and I need to be on a high protein, low carb diet. It is quite likely that my high stress level is actually a reaction to fluctuating blood sugar level. Research shows that my son’s ADD tendencies are even more likely to be related to blood sugar since I’m insulin resistance.
Result is I’m now buying a ton of sugar free/wheat free items. He stared at the cereal all thru breakfast and ate none of it. I’m also going to go vitamin crazy on him.
Yesterday I went thru the day with very little stress. I didn’t feel panicky, and was able to deal with the kids’ craziness. I feel a lot better.
I’ll never succeed in knocking all the carbs out of our life. Can’t be done, and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. Sugar is also going to stay in our lives, but in smaller quantities. Instead of cereal for breakfast, I can see we’re going to go more for yogurt. It’s going to be a slow gradual change as I educate myself, and find what is going to work for us.
But meat is back on the menu at my house.
I was talking with the girls who work the vitamin section. I’ve been keeping an eye out for products for my son. His teacher thinks he has ADD, and I think she flunks all together too many students. But it’s too late in the year to switch him. Switching teachers at this late stage would be very traumatic on him. Flunking first grade is a known consequence. A friend that he goes to church with and goes to school with is on his second round thru first grade. Never mind, the friend had the same teacher the first go round.
Okay, point is, at school he is easily distracted, and does not complete his work.
At home he does a great job of getting his home work done, even with his sister running all over the house.
But, he does have moments where he is very distracted, and it takes a lot of work to focus him. He also exhibits what they call hyper kinesis. He has times where he moves in a fast, angry manner. He’ll punch a pillow repeatedly, very fast.
We’ve taken the tests. The teacher’s version said he was dead on ADD. My version showed him on the edge of the bell curve, still within normal, but drifting towards ADD.
There is no way I’m putting him on medicine. I don’t think its right for him. I don’t believe he’s really ADD. I think the situation in this classroom has exacerbated his natural tendency.
So, I’m left with natural treatment options to help him cope. I’ve been using the Bach Floral remedies, and those have helped. But they really aren’t geared towards what he needs.
As I said, I was talking with the girls who work there. They stated that some research has shown that many ADD/ADHD kids have hypoglycemia. This hit home, since I’m insulin resistant. I’m on diabetes medicine. I don’t follow the diabetes diet, but instead I’m vegetarian. Research has shown that vegetarian diet often works well for my condition.
One of them copied off some pages, and the other showed me some homeopathic remedies that work well with ADD. The suggested that I go sugar free, high protein, low carbs with my son for a while.
Once home I curled up with the literature. I read it thru, did some Internet searches. My conclusions are that both my son and I need to be on a high protein, low carb diet. It is quite likely that my high stress level is actually a reaction to fluctuating blood sugar level. Research shows that my son’s ADD tendencies are even more likely to be related to blood sugar since I’m insulin resistance.
Result is I’m now buying a ton of sugar free/wheat free items. He stared at the cereal all thru breakfast and ate none of it. I’m also going to go vitamin crazy on him.
Yesterday I went thru the day with very little stress. I didn’t feel panicky, and was able to deal with the kids’ craziness. I feel a lot better.
I’ll never succeed in knocking all the carbs out of our life. Can’t be done, and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. Sugar is also going to stay in our lives, but in smaller quantities. Instead of cereal for breakfast, I can see we’re going to go more for yogurt. It’s going to be a slow gradual change as I educate myself, and find what is going to work for us.
But meat is back on the menu at my house.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
A few of my favorite things
With divorce you have to find yourself again. For years you’ve been part of a partnership, albeit a bad one, but still. Your identity has been fused with someone else’s. Your ideas become those of the couple, not yourself. Fun times in our marriage were drives in the car, a rented movie and popcorn, my husband and I reading books together. They were times when we all had fun, and times when I could relax because I knew the needs of the group were being met.
Now, I have to find out what it is that I like.
I like to take a walk in the brisk spring wind.
I like to browse the essential oils of the local health food store
I love to go swimming and completely wear myself out.
I love skating, and going fast, feeling the wind whip around me.
I like hot baths with lots of different oils added.
I like to curl up with a good book.
I like talking with friends over a nice meal.
I like laughing at a stupid TV show.
I love chasing my kids around the house to tickle them.
Not a complete list by any stretch of the imagination. But it is me. And now, with my day off, I’m going to go out and do a few. Not going to plan the day, just going to go spur of the moment and see what appeals to me.
Wish me luck!
Now, I have to find out what it is that I like.
I like to take a walk in the brisk spring wind.
I like to browse the essential oils of the local health food store
I love to go swimming and completely wear myself out.
I love skating, and going fast, feeling the wind whip around me.
I like hot baths with lots of different oils added.
I like to curl up with a good book.
I like talking with friends over a nice meal.
I like laughing at a stupid TV show.
I love chasing my kids around the house to tickle them.
Not a complete list by any stretch of the imagination. But it is me. And now, with my day off, I’m going to go out and do a few. Not going to plan the day, just going to go spur of the moment and see what appeals to me.
Wish me luck!
Friday, February 16, 2007
Speeding thru life
I think I’ve gone overboard. I’ve got myself handcuffed to a routine, and I’m working so hard to be happy when really I want to cry that my divorce isn’t done.
When my ex left, I was so happy to be able to organize. It brought me such joy, and a sense of freedom. The house was clean, and I took pride in it. The routines and organization were how I defined myself as different from Bruce.
But now I’m too busy with work and home to have such demanding routines. This morning I unsubscribed from FlyLady. I know the system works, but I feel like I’m so behind. I need to get a handle on what I’m doing. I need to find ways that work and won’t overwhelm me. I’m overwhelmed by FlyLady. I need to step back. My expectations of my home are those of a stay at home mother, not a single working mother. I have let my cleaning routines become a burden. Instead of blessing my family with a clean house, I’m stressing my kids because I’m trying to meet unrealistic expectations. There is no way I can do this all. Got to go back to the drawing board. Got to figure out what I can do, and what I can’t, what’s realistic, and what’s overkill. I’ll calm down and then get back on track.
I’m hiding behind my panic. The anxiety is masking my disappointment with myself. I really want to bawl my eyes out. I feel terrible that I’m not keeping a clean house for my kids. I feel like I’m stealing time from them while I’m cleaning. The kids need my time, and instead they are watching me fold laundry, and cook.
And meanwhile I’m learning which things to turn off. We each have our own rhythm. Certain people zip thru life, and others mosey along at a slow stroll. I’m not sure which I am, but I know the radio isn’t at my speed. The TV is mostly off because it runs too fast, with too much noise and color for me. I feel overloaded by the input. Most of this world goes at such a fast, over indulged speed that I can’t keep up. I run so fast, and I don’t make it. Yesterday everybody was talking about the previews for Gray’s Anatomy. I’ve seen the show twice. I like it, but I don’t make time to watch it. Radio, TV and other things have to go off for me to slow down and take life by the reigns.
When my ex left, I was so happy to be able to organize. It brought me such joy, and a sense of freedom. The house was clean, and I took pride in it. The routines and organization were how I defined myself as different from Bruce.
But now I’m too busy with work and home to have such demanding routines. This morning I unsubscribed from FlyLady. I know the system works, but I feel like I’m so behind. I need to get a handle on what I’m doing. I need to find ways that work and won’t overwhelm me. I’m overwhelmed by FlyLady. I need to step back. My expectations of my home are those of a stay at home mother, not a single working mother. I have let my cleaning routines become a burden. Instead of blessing my family with a clean house, I’m stressing my kids because I’m trying to meet unrealistic expectations. There is no way I can do this all. Got to go back to the drawing board. Got to figure out what I can do, and what I can’t, what’s realistic, and what’s overkill. I’ll calm down and then get back on track.
I’m hiding behind my panic. The anxiety is masking my disappointment with myself. I really want to bawl my eyes out. I feel terrible that I’m not keeping a clean house for my kids. I feel like I’m stealing time from them while I’m cleaning. The kids need my time, and instead they are watching me fold laundry, and cook.
And meanwhile I’m learning which things to turn off. We each have our own rhythm. Certain people zip thru life, and others mosey along at a slow stroll. I’m not sure which I am, but I know the radio isn’t at my speed. The TV is mostly off because it runs too fast, with too much noise and color for me. I feel overloaded by the input. Most of this world goes at such a fast, over indulged speed that I can’t keep up. I run so fast, and I don’t make it. Yesterday everybody was talking about the previews for Gray’s Anatomy. I’ve seen the show twice. I like it, but I don’t make time to watch it. Radio, TV and other things have to go off for me to slow down and take life by the reigns.
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