Ylang-Ylang

Do you ever have those days where the chaos just spills over, where the situations are more than you can handle? That was today at work. Yesterday the east coast was crippled by a terrible ice storm. My dear CEO’s whose travel I book, do not understand storms and what they do to airplanes. Having worked at the airport, I advised them, book travel for tomorrow afternoon, and go get a hotel room for tonight right now. Then you can come back here to the airport and try to catch a flight today. They didn’t listen to me. Instead my Very Important Persons ran all over the airport trying to catch flights that never left the gate, and had me scrambling to get tickets issued. And then today when flights really were taking off, they couldn’t understand why I couldn’t find a seat for them.

And add into this mess, US Airways doesn’t answer their phone. And the delightful ticket that I needed to issue with their help. Finally the admin threw the towel in and said, well I guess he’s not going to Boston because we can’t get the ticket issued. Never book US Airways.

But that wasn’t what I meant to write about. When I got off work I was a shaking, edgy mess. My doctor calls it generalized anxiety. I call it trouble. It’s the edge of a panic attack, and it’s an awful place to be. You feel like something is about to slip out of your fingers, and it’s your control over your own self. Any little thing could turn you into a screaming mess. That’s what I do when I have a panic attack. I scream, hit things, and just work off the energy.

I left work and stopped by the health food store. Granola was the mission. The ants got into my supply, and were happily enjoying mine. But while I was there, I had to check out the essential oils. Based on memory I smelled ones that have been suggested for Panic, and Anxiety. A few seemed really good.

I put a small amount of Ylang-Ylang on my hand to smell it. The sweet cloying scent hit my brain, and I felt a sob choke my throat.

All the stress was over. Like the crying after a crisis, my body suddenly released. Tears drifted down my cheeks. I clutched my hand to my nose, like my daughters blanket. I held the sob back.

It was over. I had done it. I had saved the day, and I could relax now.

A Day off

I’ve decided I will be taking the weekend off, completely and totally. I need to de-stress, and have some time where there are no demands on me. Both kids are getting shipped off to Daddy’s for the weekend. I’ll get to sleep in, and I won’t have to mediate arguments.

I’m sure I’ll be bored, and going stir crazy by the end, but right now it sounds like magic. I’ll pay for it because the kids will be bouncing off the walls when I get them back. A few days of non-stop videos and lack of discipline has its affect. They will drive their father insane. The girlfriend will make sure he can’t repeat this stunt for a while. They will come home grouchy, screaming at each other.

But at this point I don’t care. I need some me time. Most days I’m on duty from 6am until about 9pm. That’s a 15-hour day, seven days a week. At the most I get a few hours break every other weekend when I can convince them to take my son for a Saturday afternoon.

I don’t like the idea of him sleeping over there. They don’t have enough beds, and they have too many people crammed into a small apartment. I can see that my children go a little stir crazy on 2 hour visits over there. And being trapped in doors watching movies does nothing to eliminate their wiggles.

But I really need the rest. I need the quiet. I need a chance to unwind and be off duty.

Epiphany

This morning I had an epiphany.

In December I went on anti-anxiety medicine. Time just seemed so tight. Running a house with two busy kids, and working, I had no time to do anything. I was running so fast just to keep up.

In January I started going to the massage therapist on a regular basis, and she recommended some herbs, and homeopathic things to work in conjunction with my medicine. I started to feel a lot better. My problems were manageable, and I was getting things worked out.

But about two weeks ago things started crashing in on me. For one thing, the child support check didn’t come in on time. Money was tight. My son got sick with strep throat, and I had to take two days off work. Then my daughter got lice, and I had to sanitize me house. After that, my daughter got strep throat, and the ex took the time off work.

Meanwhile, the house just kept on piling up. Mt. Washmore grew to new altitudes. And the ants invaded my kitchen.

I spent time working on the laundry, all the time staring at the dishes. Any dirty dishes left on the counter meant a new invasion of ants. I tried to do my routines. I tried to clean the kitchen sink, but there seems to be more than I can get done. I couldn’t do it all.

Never mind that my kids have sensed my growing panic, and are responding accordingly. My daughter is more controlling than usual, and my son knows just the things to say that will make her scream.

So this morning, I take some clothes out to the laundry. As I do so I think about my ambivalence towards the house. I want to clean it, and the mess of it is adding to my general displeasure. But every time I try, I feel overwhelmed. I can’t get enough of it done to really get ahead. How did I get and keep the house clean just a few months ago? I know I have to calm down, and accept what I can do. If I can reach a peace about it, moments will present themselves to actually get things taken care of.

And it dawned on me, I feel trapped. That was it! I can’t explain my joy realizing what the emotion was. It has a name. I can treat it!

I dug in, why do I feel trapped? Really it isn’t the house, and I know that. My kids aren’t trapping me, there is something else going on, and I’m allowing it manifest in this way. Where am I truly trapped?

I’m trapped in my divorce. We haven’t moved forward in nearly three months. Though he is no longer in my life, I’m not free to move on and date other people. I’m stuck.

Okay, gotta start calling the lawyer multiple times per day to get this thing moving forward. Then I can shake off this feeling and get my home under control. Meanwhile, I brought the whole homeopathic, essential oil anti-panic medicine cabinet to work with me.

Realization

I think I finally made a break thru with my daughter. She didn’t change, but I changed my approach to dealing with her. I finally remembered something they said in the Love and Logic workshop.

Let me set the scene for you.

We got home from church. The kids did pretty well today with church. They both actually seemed to have something to talk about. Amazing! They paid attention! I was thrilled to pieces.

They got out of the car, and raced for the door to the house. As I walked to the door, I could hear the usual argument beginning. They both want to be the first one in the house. They lean against the door, and push each other.

I had it. I turned around and sat on the curb. Their screams echoed terribly across the cement. My daughter was the one doing most of the screaming, but I could tell that my son kept pushing back.

Finally my little girl ran to find me. She asked if I was coming. I said I would come when they were done arguing. She ran back screaming at her brother. We have to quit arguing, so quit yelling at me and do what I tell you! I laughed. Totally out of sight of them, I actually enjoyed the chaos for a moment.

My daughter’s big beef was my son should apologize. He finally gave in and apologized, and then the two of them were quiet.

Not for long of course. We got in the house, and I told them to change out of church clothes. They ran into their bedroom and began yelling at each other. My son wanted to change clothes in private in the bedroom, and my daughter had not finished changing clothes.

Back and forth they yelled, the noise level going up, their voices getting higher. My son succeeded in pushing his sister out of the room, and he slammed the door.

And that was my breakthrough moment. I went and cuddled my little girl.

“That didn’t work out for you did it?” I asked, holding her close.

Her eyes were bright red, and she wiped her face with her blanket. “No.”

“What do you think would be a solution?”

She gave me a few ideas, and I suggested a few others. Finally we decided that each of them should get two minutes private time in the room to change. She smiled, and yelled thru the door to her brother that she was graciously giving him two minutes. (Never mind that I had been negotiating with the door the whole way.)

I was shocked that she understood her reaction wasn’t getting the result she wanted. I’m selling her short. The kid understands more than I give her credit for. She really does get it.

There is hope! Given choices she can truly make some good decisions. Maybe I will survive being a mother after all!

Passed House Fairy Inspection

For the first time we've passed House Fairy Inspection! Well, only my little girl passed, but still, there is room to celebrate. She got a wonderful letter from House Fairy, and a lizard that she adores!

My son quickly figured out what he did wrong; he left a sweatshirt in the middle of the room. And House Fairy knew it was his. He quickly remedied that problem!

Last night my father stopped by, and he was totally impressed with how clean the kids' room is now. They are doing so good!

Biafran Stamps

While living in Nigeria, my mother discovered a stash of Biafran stamps in a mission office. The Biafran civil war paralyzed Nigeria from 1965-1970. In the end, Biafra was unsuccessful, and was reabsorbed into Nigeria.

We stared at the stamps. In some ways they were totally worthless, and yet so valuable. I wiped away my tears as I gazed fondly at them. With our rainy season humidity, many of them had become fused with their wax paper backing. The hopes and dreams of a region seemed to cry out in these old forlorn stamps. Many of them were slightly torn, discolored. But to me there were a collage of Biafra, a fair tribute to the people who tried, but lost.

The perfumary

Last night I got a shipment of 4 essential oils. I’ve been collecting them over the years, and I finally have a wonderful supply.

I mixed up my first perfume. The base notes are Frankincense and Benzoin. I can’t believe I have frankincense, the real thing! And Benzoin is about one of my favorite! My massage therapist warned me that it was thick and resonant. She didn’t prepare me. The stuff is like sap from a tree. It’s thicker than honey. But what a smell! My middle notes are lavender and chamomile. Those are two very calming scents. Lavender is another woody, heavy smell, and chamomile is sweet. Then my top notes are cypress and bergamot. Cypress is sharp, and refreshing. Bergamot is a citrus, light and airy.

The result is a very heady mix, at once heavy and thick, but with a sharp kick to it. It is a sweet perfume, and I love it. I slathered it on this morning. I massaged it into my back, and my hip that bugs me. I rubbed down my neck where the therapist pointed out I like to hold tension. A half an hour later I felt my back and shoulders suddenly warm up in the most delightful and relaxing manner. As the children lay on the floor, trying to sleep in, I rubbed each of them down. Neither kid was very impressed with the smell, but they certainly enjoyed the attention, and mini-massage on their back. And they both made it up to the breakfast table on time. Hmmmm . . . .