Great Ideas bosses never hear

I read a really interesting article today on “Great ideas Bosses Never Hear.” Working on the Employee Engagement panel at work this article seems very relevant.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390443819404577635740959514600.html?mod=WSJ_mgmt_below_LeftTopNews#articleTabs%3Darticle

Burris makes three main points:

1. Employees should think more about whom to target with their ideas

2. Managers shouldn’t perceive employees ideas as threats

3. Organizations should develop systems to leverage employee feedback

After reading the article I’m struck by how well the Employee Engagement panel we have addresses many of these concerns.

Employees should think more about whom to target with their ideas- Burris states that front line agents often talk among themselves. They have doubts if the idea will be acted on. And so finally the idea just slips thru the crack, DOA.

With our Employee Engagement panel the target audience is provided. VP’s attend the call and listen. Ideas are refined thru a trained project manager. The Panel itself has a sense that the company can be changed. So instead of killing ideas, the panel acts to sift out the crummy ones, and nurture the ones that might have value.

Managers shouldn’t perceive employee ideas as threats- Burris points out that it is difficult to learn to take constructive criticism. There are some people who never learn the skills. Instead of separating the wheat from the chaff, these bosses toss out the baby with the bathwater. Out go the ideas.

The Employee Engagement panel takes frontline agents, managers, and leads from all around the country. In this setting, the hierarchy has been switched. A Front Line agent might be a Team Lead, and a manager might instead be a panel member. By placing everyone on equal footing, and even changing the normal hierarchy the Employee Engagement panel looks to avoid situations where a manager can shoot down an idea that feels like a threat.

Organizations should develop system to leverage employee feedback- Burris discusses the idea of panels, portals and other ways that employees can put feedback into the system. Problems begin when it’s hard to know how ideas are evaluated, how to prioritize the responses that comes in, what division should be involved. If things aren’t handled quickly and efficiently employees lose faith in the system.

Our Panel has taken a unique approach to these problems. Each year we focus on 2-5 different issues that the annual survey noted. Employee feedback is focused on only the topics that are being addressed. It does mean that we are unable to give our full attention to excellent ideas that come in that are totally off topic. The ideas that are on topic though, have our full attention.

Overall, the panel is certainly a viable solution to make sure frontline employees have a voice. It doesn’t solve all the issues. It gives the employees the correct target audience, it ensures that management hears what is being said and doesn’t feel threaten, but it is a limited system for feedback to com

Most Improved

“Charity, I have to tell you, out of everyone here, your presentation skills are the most improved.” I smiled. “I mean, you’ve really come along way. Well done.”


“Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
One year ago this same friend sent me a candid email and detailed all my flaws. And he was right on all accounts.
My own inner demons of shame and self-doubt had run rampant in my life. They were leaking out like a corrosive acid. I wanted to do everything, be everything so that maybe I would find some self-worth. I was always reading articles, bombarding my team with reams of “analysis” until my team was sick and tired of me. I just wanted to be useful.
A girlfriend pointed out that the only real difference between the successful people and the not so successful people was confidence. It wasn’t so much what they know, but that they knew that they knew it. They were done proving it to other people.
At some point during the summer I realized I didn’t have to be everything. I was done proving myself to the world. I reached the point of knowing I was okay, I was good enough. I don’t have every skill in the book; there are some things I’m not good at. I’m not your ideal sales rep to go do cold calls. I’m not your computer programmer to write awesome new scripts. I’m an analytics person who can pour thru heaps of data and make sense of it all.

It’s like that Amy Grant song “All I ever have to be is who you made me . . .”
I finally know who I am, I’m okay with that. And yeah, I’m probably the most improved. I chuckled; I know I was pretty crummy to start with!

Thankful

“I keep having this uneasy feeling that I’ve left something unfinished, that I need to do SOMETHING!” I told my mom. “And then I realize there is no homework!”


My mom laughed and helped me take my Thanksgiving leftovers out to my car. “Guess it’s been a while since you could relax like this, hasn’t it!?”

I smiled.

There is a lot to be thankful for this year. There is the easy stuff, parents who love me, a God who helps me, and MBA that was a ton of fun. And then there are the small things, friends who text me when I really need a boost, awesome yellow paint that looks so cool, a daughter who did pen and ink drawing with me last night.

I really do have an awesome life. I truly am happy, and content. There are hard moments when I have to work hard. Just five days ago, on Sunday I was pushing really hard to finish everything on my MBA. It was hard. I was worn out. I felt like I kept reaching into myself for more strength. But my Heavenly Father met me, and I did it. My life’s not perfect. My kids scream at each other. I have my daughter’s school on speed dial so I can call back the principle when I get those messages we all fear. “I was calling to let you know that your daughter is in my office because she screamed at someone in class.” There are times when the bank account gets really low, and I wonder where the money is going to come from.

But I really do have an awesome life. I have happiness. I know who I am, what I can do, and what I like to do. I have interesting challenges to face at work. They are hard, and require my attention. But I know I can rise to the challenge. I have meaningful relationships with my children. We sit together and snuggle. I ruffle my son’s hair, and tease him.

I am thankful for an absolutely awesome life.

Conflict is a good thing

"I am happy to report that we are all still friends after this exercise."

I glanced at my team mates.  Eyebrows were raised in surprise.  A jaw was hanging slightly slack. 

"They weren't willing to argue," one of my team mates whispered in horror.

The team at the front of the room continued to explain the things that had led to their abysmal last place performance.

I leaned back in my chair realizing that conflict had been a big part of my team winning first place.  Conflict can actually be a good thing.

• Conflict uncovers driving forces
• Conflict forces you to examine your beliefs
• Conflict leads to trust
  
   

"One of our mistakes was that we weren't willing to challenge each other about the  numbers.  Our Marketing person was forecasting more sales then we could ever produce.  I simply never questioned her numbers," he went on to explain.  My mind flashed back to a similar discussion my team had argued over.  In our simulation we had faced a situation where the market demanded more than we had capacity.  The emails flew in quick succession that day.  Too much demand, not enough supply.  Typical economics.  Finally we decided to buy  more capacity, and raise our price.  As we argued we found the driving forces, we found the true decisions we had to make as a team.


Conflict also forces you to examine what you believe.  I'll admit it, I was the aggressive member of our team, always willing to take the risks.  I came up against the conservative member of our team.  She just held back, pointing out times other teams had caused their companies great harm.  Finally though we found the genesis of our conflict:  I believed you have to invest to grow, and she believed in waiting to see if there was a growth opportunity.  With that understanding I was able to create a tool, a forecasting equation.  It allowed her to see the historical data in a new way.  The model I created ended up being a powerful tool that contributed to our winning score.  The conflict that existed drove me to create something powerful.

The conflict in our team actually built trust rather than tearing it apart. 

"Oh my word, Charity, I kept on thinking I had gotten to the bottom of it, and then you would email me again, challenging me."  A wry smile spread across my team mate's face.  "Each time I didn't think I could get more out, but you forced me to dig in deeper."

"That was fun!"  I grinned from ear to ear.

The debate had allowed me to see the inner workings of my team mate's mind.  The perspective was different than mine, but just as steeped in fact.  She had given my a guided tour of all the facts she had been accumulating.  I respected her well founded arguments, even if she did come to different conclusion than I did.  By the end of the project I knew the each of my team mates were just as passionate, dedicated and invested in this project.  I could trust them to make well thought out decisions.

Good conflict is like a kiln.  It takes the  raw pot and turns it into something solid, and beautiful.  It strengthens and refines.

Human Doing

My throat hurt with the uncried tears.  It was done.  Finished. 

Where most of my classmates were celebrating our completed MBA I was grieving the loss.  In a cohort program like our's the team spirit had become very strong.  I had found a place where I belonged, a safe and honest place where I was accepted for my talents.  I felt appreciated and trusted.

Being in school meant that I didn't have to figure out life's priorities.  Instead they came in the form of a syllabus.  Focus on this project up until this date, and then focus on this test, and finally focus on this presentation.  Things like laundry and getting the oil changed then had to be scheduled around school work.  It was easy to figure out what my next task was.

School also brought alot of feeling of success.  My inner critic is fairly talkative.  She's got lots of messages about unworthiness, and how I simply am not as good as everyone else.  But school had this awesome self esteem booster called grades.  My inner critics voice is being reevaluated in light of new evidence of success.

I've been so busy doing.  I almost don't know what to do with myself now that there is no pending assignment looming over my calender.  I've lost the art of being.  I need to relearn how to just sit.

I need to be a human being.  I need to snuggle my kids, and go smell the roses.  I need to cry, and grieve.  I need to relax and be quiet, enjoy life.  And quit asking what to do next.

Libertarianism and the problem of the commons

Libertarianism seems to be the next big ideology. Lower, or total withdrawal of government control, and government taxation, and let free business govern itself. When people have ownership, and responsibility for something they are more tied to it. Instead of making business fight against the EPA let them find out that sustainability is best for business.

There are some valid points to this. Chevron Oil in the Kutubu field is an excellent example of the Libertarian principles. Kutubu Oil field is in Papua New Guinea. As a third world, developing nation Papua New Guinea does not have strong environmental laws. Neither do they have a strong enforcement of environmental conservation. But Chevron’s compound is maintained on stringent environmental guidelines. Why? Why would a large profit oriented company insisted on a very clean environmental compound? Because they have seen that maintaining a sustainable environment is good for their bottom line. When asked what had prompted these policies, a Chevron safety representative responded “Exxon Valdez, Piper Alpha, and Bhopal.” Exxon Valdez we all know. Piper Alpha was an oil platform in the North Sea who’s fire killed 167 people, and Bhopal was a chemical plant that killed 4,000 people, and injured 200,000. Chevron Oil proves that a company can figure out that sustainable, responsible development is in its best interest. In a county with very few regulations, and very little ability to enforce the regulations they do have, Chevron has proved that they can set the bar very high. They are the shining example of Libertarian ideals. Without government there to police them, they have policed themselves. (http://www.un.org/esa/dsd/dsd_aofw_mg/mg_worktradunio_specday/casestud5.shtml )

As a whole though, the ideals behind libertarianism do not always and forever work out that way. The problem of the commons often the downfall. First of all each company has such a small investment in the commons, they rarely feel like Chevron, that they need to do everything in their power to protect things. And when they do feel that way, often times they can’t figure out how to protect the infrastructure vital to their growth. Secondly, sometimes they business cannot see the whole of a resource. The fishing industry is an excellent example of this. We cannot accurately estimate the health of fishing areas simply because we can see how much is there. We always think there is more elsewhere.

The problem of the commons is the problem that many people use a common resource. I heard an amusing story from the Central Asian steppes. Someone decided that the nomadic pastoral people needed to be integrated into “capitalist” society thru land ownership. The objective being to prevent overgrazing. As this was being organized the literate, and modern people of this tribe realized what was happening, and very quickly got their land title drawn up. Promptly they fenced in their land. It was now their private stash for a rainy day. They put their lands on the common land, and held their fenced land in reserve for drought and famine. Instead of solving the problem of overgrazing, title created more problems. Why should they graze their own land when so much common land was available? The problem of the commons is that no one is personally responsible for the commons. If it is overgrazed the cattle, and sheep can simply be taken elsewhere. (http://webcast.berkeley.edu/course_details.php?seriesid=1906978337#15943 Independence or Dependency 2)

Another problem is the lack of ability to accurately know the whole resource. A lake is an excellent example here. How many fish are in the lake? We don’t know. We can take some guesses. But there might be some fish hiding in that shallow. So if we heavily fish the open area, maybe we can go fish the shallow. In Jared Diamond’s book Collapse he gives two historical societies as examples of this experiment.

The first is the Polynesian Islands. As a whole, the small islands tended to fair well, and the large islands did quite well also. It was the midsized island that often decline, collapse, and ruin. Why? On the small islands the people were intimately connected with all the resources. With 1000 people or less on the island, the trees were known, the soil condition was known. If you made the choice to over plant, and exhaust the soil, you knew there was no other place to go to. There wasn’t another free bit of soil for the next year. The people knew, absolutely the finite quality of their resources. But in the midsized islands people could always deceive themselves that there was another forest, another bit of farmland just over the hill. The midsized islands didn’t have the resources, and human populations to organize and centralize. Instead they were left with just enough resources to think that over the next hill the grass was greener. On a large island though there was enough land to support a centralized government. When a King, or Chief, or Headman finally gained power he was able to take stock of the resource. He might decide that farming in one area had to stop because it was having a negative impact on the island as a whole. He had the authority to insist, and force the issue. Though that particular village couldn’t see the negative impact. They didn’t see that they were stealing from the resources of the whole island. The King could see the impact. He saw the reports about the impact on the trees that were cut down. He knew that the soil erosion was causing silting in the lagoon affecting fishing. He knew the reports from the other side of the island. He knew, and could make the choice. Either the society has to be small enough to know all of it’s own resources, or the society has to be large enough to centralize, and prevent it’s further ruin. (http://www.bec.ucla.edu/papers/Diamond_Ecological_Collapses.PDF )

Japan is an example of a society that centralized. In the 1600’s the Shoguns finally gained enough power over the island as a whole. Large warring landlords had tore the island into individual factions. The landlords kept milking someone else’s resource. Each landlord thought that his problems would be solved with more land. Just get more resources from his neighbor, and the problems are solved. When the Shoguns came into power they were able to take stock in the Island of Japan as a whole. The forests had been terribly degraded. Regulations were put in place. The island began to flourish. It grew, developing true military, and economic strength. In the 1910’s they conquered Korea, and Russia. Once the large centralized government was able to manage the resource as a whole, warring landlords were kept in check. No longer was each landlord stealing resources, thinking his neighbor had more than him. Well, if they did think that, they were unable to act on it. Instead they had to make the best of the resource they each had. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edo_period )

Libertarianism believes that each business can, and will police themselves. That’s like asking the Japanese War Lords not to conquer his neighbor because his neighbor has more trees. I do believe that each business will police themselves on the resources that they can clearly see. Chevron has come to understand. They strongly believe in sustainable compounds, high levels of environmental stewardship. At the same time, the same company has shown atrocious abuses of power in the Niger Delta of Nigeria. Their history of oil spills, and political abuses is a contributing factor to the failure of Nigeria to achieve their full political potential. Nigeria shows that even though a company might police themselves, and live up to the libertarian ideal in one area, they don’t do it consistently. A company will only police themselves as much as they have to. When it doesn’t show a bottom line impact, as is the case in Nigeria, they will spill oil into the water, and generally degrade the land in such a way that human habitation becomes no longer possible. (http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/LA242679.htm)

No Child Left Behind

“Mom, I can’t do it, it’s too much!” my son whimpered at the dining room table.

I hadn’t even counted how many pages were stacked in the folder to be done at home. It overwhelmed me!

All the busy work. That’s all it is. Busy work. He long ago comprehended the work itself. Lines of perfect cursives “f”. Each one much better than I ever created. Science homework that is simply a reading about someone else doing a science experiment, and not even an exciting, interesting experiment, just something about an oven being on or off. For a kid who listens to Mom’s pod casts of college genetics, and for the most part follows the experiments discussed by the college professors, it was super boring.

For Pete’s sake, I realize that drills are essential. I know for myself they are. Repetition causes things to stick in my brain. I get it. But can’t we find a way of making them interesting.

He’s falling behind. And now the teacher’s have asked me to come in. I know what they want to do. They want him to go on meds for ADD. And I know they are justified in asking it. He meets the criteria.

So I’ll have both of my kids on medicine for their behavior. I know it’s made a huge difference with my daughter.

But I think this epidemic of childhood psychiatric medicine has more to do with the school system then with my children. I have noticed a marked increase in homework since No Child Left Behind. My Step-daughter attended the same school for forth grade, and now my son is getting more worked piled on him than she ever had.

I don’t know what the solution is. I have no choice but to have the kids in public school. Since I work full time I can’t home school them.

I know nutrition plays a part. They would both benefit from a diet high in essential fatty acids. High levels of Magnesium have been shown to have as much impact as Ritalin in clinic studies. My insurance doesn’t cover magnesium supplements, but it does cover Ritalin.

It is so upsetting that on rain days, the school chooses to show videos in the classroom. When I was young we would play in the gym. When my son falls behind on his class work they keep him inside. He doesn’t get to play outside. I know that both of my kids are much more efficient with their school work when they get to run and play.

Bio-Fuels

The debate surrounding bio-fuels has fascinated me for a while.

Bio-fuels are diesel, and other liquid carbon based fuels made from plant products. They are toted as being the replacement for gasoline. Supposedly they will use the leftover parts of plants and make our fuels from them. We will then be using a renewable resource, instead of gasoline, which will eventually run out.

There is a problem though. Currently, the only part of a plant we can make into a fuel is the part that is of food value to humans, or farm animals. So we are stealing from our own mouths to feed our car.

Forests are a renewable source of energy, among other things. We see what has happened to them. Instead of farming them so they could sustain us for generations we have mined them like we mine our gasoline deposits.

Farming practices are not renowned for their sustainable methods. Salinization, and loss of topsoil leach the value of over farmed soil. Is it truly sustainable to mine our soil thru bio-fuels? Is that really the best way to fill our energy hungry world? The point of bio-fuel is to step towards sustainability, not play the punch a mole game. You know the game where you whack the mole who sticks his head up, and then he pops up in another place.

On the other side is the undeniable fact that the United Arab Emirates, with the highest deposits of oil in the world, will run out in 80 years. Even the UAE has seen reason to start building solar buildings. Their whole economy is centered on gasoline prices, and they know that they have to find another source of power. Whole districts of Abu’ Dhabi are off the grid, and instead on solar, and other sustainable power sources.

Bio-fuels have many problems. But as they are developed they are starting to show promise. Recent discoveries on possible soy-diesel show a way to use soy that won’t steal from our food chain to feed our cars.

Due to government initiatives on Ethanol the industry has grown enormously. They still do steal for the human food chain to power our car, but they have significantly reduced the ratio. And now they are finding a way of producing a by-product that is actually refined corn. Part of the corn goes to the car, and part goes to our food chain.

At the end of the day, I support the bio-fuels industry. Not because of all the good it has done already. And most definitely not for the farming practices that it encourages. But because with time and money it shows the most promise. Personally I like the level of sophistication we’ve developed, and I’d like my children to be able to live in a world of cheap energy. There are going to be times when development is rocky. But the bottom line is that I believe in alternative energy, no matter the rocky times.

The Benevolent Dictator

I have long been a supporter of the idea of a benevolent dictator. Benevolent is a very subjective word. And sometimes the benevolence of the dictator only shows in certain areas, and the term is only applied long after the person has left office, as the fruits of some of their labor come to fruition.

Ibrahim Babangida was the dictator, and “President for Life” of Nigeria from 1985 until 1993. He came into office saying he would address the Human Rights abuses. Nicknamed the “Evil Genius”, the list of abuses perpetrated at his hand is only vaguely known. It is pure irony to see that he lead the coup in 1985 on the basis of investigating the Human Rights Violations.

Babangida instead joins my short list of benevolent dictators based on his economic reform. When he came into office the Nira, the Nigeria Currency was exchanged at a rate the government set. A rate that bore no resemblance to the black market trading that was booming. The International Monetary Fund insisted on some changes, very gradual, if Babangida wanted to continue with the nice interest rates on National Debts and other things. Babangida was not going to take orders from anyone, let alone from the IMF. He set instead a very swift and broad set of reforms for the Nigerian people. Many price controls were lifted. Government owned businesses were privatized. The Nigerian people laughed, and loved him. (When they weren’t being thrown in jail, and tortured by him for any negative comments!) We can now look back and see the Babangida period showed steady economic growth.

Babangida bears mention as a benevolent dictator. He did for the country in his economic reforms what had not been done before. With his power, and force of authority he made things happen. He simply set the policy and said figure it out, do it, regardless of the consequences. He didn’t depend on popularity to keep him in power.

In much the same way Joaquin Balaguer enacted environmental reforms on the Dominican Republic. He was integral in maintaining and adding land to the 74 national parks that make up 32% of the land. To see the island now, there is a marked difference in the forested Dominican side, and the nude, over farmed, eroded Haitian side. The benefit of his long range planning is very evident.

When Balaguer came into office he put a moratorium on logging, and the saw mills. He was not nice or gentle about it. He sent in the army to bomb, kill, and otherwise completely destroy the saw mills. They were logging illegally on park land. The illegal logging was creating a huge soil erosion problem. The soil erosion problem was in turn trickling down to the hydro-electric dams. As lakes became filled with run off soil, the electric plants were in danger. Not to mention all the environmental fall out of clear cut, over harvesting, illegal logging. To save the hydro-electric dams, the illegal logging had to be stopped.

Poor squatters, and rich supporters had all moved in, built huge mansions, and shanty town farms on park land. Bulldozers were ordered in. Mansions of wealthy supporters of the president were taken out along with the farms of the poor. Everyone living on the park land was evicted. The wealthy supporters of Balaguer were stunned that he would bulldozer their mansions. Of course the poor deserved their fate! But the wealthy, his friends, personal friends! HOW DARE HE!

The Dominican Republic is still a very poor and unstable place. But unlike Haiti, it still has forests, and can still feed its own population. Thanks to the long vision of Balaguer, and his willingness to do the unspeakable, push people off the park land, forests have been saved. The Dominican’s dams and hydro-electricity were preserved. At a cost, mind you. Balaguer wasn’t very nice. He killed many of the people on the park lands. To quote wikipedia “Balaguer ordered the construction of schools, hospitals, dams, roads, and many important buildings. He also presided over steady economic growth.”

Today Haiti is the country that is the poorest in the America’s. The Dominican Republic could have easily qualified. It shares the same island, and the same natural resources. Instead, with Dictators like Balaguer, some of its resources have been managed in such a way to bring long term economic benefit, and not depletion to the people.

When we look around the world, we see many examples of benevolent dictators. Eva Peron, Seretse Khama, and the ancient Shoguns of Japan to name a few. Each took control of the country, and did what had to be done for the long term viability of the people. There are incidences of true cruelty. Eva Peron was known for jailing, and killing her opponents. No one spoke of how much she spent on her wardrobe. There were many accusations of fraud. They were well founded. She brought Argentina into its own, and made it a power in its own right. The Shoguns of Japan have a similar reputation. Hard people, who governed with a ruthless streak. But their legacy is a First World Country with a very high quality of life. We American’s do not have the long history of stability, and management like the Japanese. Seretse Khama, the long time “President” of Botswana, whose son Ian Khama is now the president. Much more a modern Monarchy. Botswana, once the poorest African nation, now with a quality of life that is recognizable to the American eye. My parents live there, they go to the Mall on a regular basis. My Dad can’t miss his regular stop at Mug and Bean, the Botswana equivalent of Starbucks. In a continent rife with coups, and lack of education, Botswana’s astounding infrastructure is a miracle.

Government by the people, for the people is not always what’s best. Sometimes it takes a big man, willing to do what is not liked for the long term sustainability of his people.

Collapse

The hot sun poured unrelentingly over South Texas. In the quiet corn fields the dry stalks whispered their stories. Heat, and lack of rain. Cracked dirt crunched under foot. Dying corn whimpered.

Collapse, by Jared Diamond, asks the question of why do societies collapse. He theorizes that every society that has fallen has some element that is environmental which has contributed. With Easter Island we know that the deforestation of the island led to the collapse of the society. Some societies it's easy to see. But what about Rome, and the Mayans?

Global warming, Carbon Footprint, vehicle emissions. We hear it on the news. It means nothing. It's a bunch of words that fill the broadcast.

There are some farmers in South Texas today. Their crop is dying. Where will the water come from? Why has it been dry for the past three years? And why is this year so much worse?

There are farmers in Montana. Land prices are sky rocketing because wealthy people keep gobbling up "wilderness" land for their second and third homes. How can they grow their dairy farm when there is no land to buy.

My son loves corn on the cob. My daughter is always making off with a glass of milk.

Are we tipping on the verge of collapse? Have we ignored the land, and it's carrying capacity?

I think I heard the quiet voice this weekend, in the dry crunch of the ground. In the rustling of dead leaves.

Shame

I have long used Shame as a means of attempting to control my sinful behaviors.

This morning though, the Holy Spirit got hold of me. And showed me what I’ve really been doing. I’ve been denying the power of the atonement, and avoiding the realities the Holy Spirit was trying to show me.

Shame was my way of beating myself up. I thought if I shamed myself enough, I could get myself to stop. On some level I knew I had to let go, and let God. But the reality of what that meant had long since been lost on me. The Atonement was Christ’s forgiveness of our sins. I’ve been telling Jesus, “No, thank you very much; I really don’t need to be forgiven of this sin to get better. Forgiving me of this won’t improve things. But beating myself up with this bat called Shame, that will make me better. Yeah, you hanging on the Cross-, you taking all my sins, yeah, that’s great, but it can’t really make me quit doing this sinful behavior. It can’t take my sin away from me. Shame can.” And Shame did. For a while. The problem with Shame is it creeps back. It lays a foundation for the sin to come back again.

The Holy Spirit has long been trying to point out the true problems in my life. But like a bulimic, lost in the shame of their binging and purging, they see nothing except their shame over their behavior. All they know is the medicating power of the cycle of binge and purge. They know the temporary high of the behavior. The Shame is simply an alternative cycle. Okay, beat myself up over the fact that I’ve done this. Get the behavior to stop. And obviously shame was a good solution; it got the behavior to stop. Never mind about what the real reason was behind the behavior, a deep loneliness, and need to be accepted, first by self, and then by other. Or maybe the behavior came from childhood abuse. Or a long forgotten trauma, never dealt with. The Shame masks what is really there. With Shame you never have to face the true reasons for the behavior. I have used shame to avoid facing very painful things in my past.

Shame has been my bat of choice, what I use to beat myself up with. I’m sure it will be years before I truly put it down, and give my Shame back to my Savoir. But today I realized I have been shaming myself in an effort to control myself. That will stop. I may not be successful in stopping it today, but from now on, I recognize the behavior. And now I know my Heavenly Father is at my side, helping me, forgiving me for each time I pick up that bat to beat myself up. He’ll forgive me. Some day I’ll actually understand what that means. For today I simply say it.

Doing Terrible

Yes, I've had the questions long enough. I'm going to answer a few of them. Probably not as many as anyone would like.

In December my boyfriend of six months explained that he had some pretty significant emotional work that he needed to do. He enrolled in outpatient treatment, and is now trying to figure out how to rebuild his life, personality and everything he's ever known.

I say that to explain, as we talked about is issues, it became obvious that he and I were two sides of the same coin. Though my problems are not as life shattering, yet. He was able to throw the spotlight on things in my life I had happily pushed under the carpet. Things I had ignored, or really didn't think were a problem.

I am now seeing a counselor once a week, and doing 1-2 group therapy sessions per week.

The boyfriend and I have quit seeing each other. We each have to get healthy. Neither one of us is emotionally available for the other. It would do nobody any good to pretend to stay together.

I find myself in a very terrible situation. The one person who truly knows what it is like to walk in these shoes, the boyfriend, is no longer available. I can never make sense to you how much help he was, and how much good he did for me. Suffice it to say, there is a level of grief that few will understand given how short our relationship was.

To the friends who want to help, there are a few things you can do.

Those who live in the vicinity, I welcome offers to babysit the kids. If you see I'm struggling, having an extra rough day, I would love it if you offered to take the kids so I could make it to an extra group session. There is one nearly every evening.

Or, sometimes better, encourage me to do something social. Get me out with people, having fun.

I tend to curl up and replay the ugliness I've been forced to face. Which does no one any good. I've got a counselor who will make me face it in a safe environment that will allow me to heal. Staring down demons on my own is a recipe to get hurt.

To the friends whom miles separate, simply be my friend. Talk, laugh with me. Don't let morose mood scare you off. Talk about anything. Silly jokes. Anything positive, anything to make me smile.

And to the friends who have already been there for me, who have dragged my butt out to dinner, friends who have volunteered already to babysit my kids, not really knowing exactly what was wrong, THANK YOU! You are doing the work of angles, the work of Jesus Christ on earth.

Mr. Stalker in Training

Tonight was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

At home, quiet evening, kids in bed, winding down for the evening.

Knock-knock-knock from the door. I’m not expecting anyone.

A few months ago I had someone knock on my door late at night before. After doing it a few times, he said the unforgettable line, “Hey, it’s your neighbor; I just want to borrow some chicken.”

CHICKEN!?

I wondered that evening if the reality was I had a peeping tom.

“Hey girl, you look good, wanna do some bbq with us?” Was the line I heard from my upstairs neighbor, and his compadre of leering friends.

Other times I’ve tried to ignore the undressing stares when I step out in a wonderful outfit.

Tonight it started around 9pm, and went on about an hour before I called the cops. Shivering in my bedroom, as far away from the front door as I could, I called the cops.

In bright yellow slickers they showed up at my door. While I was explaining the situation to them the stalker in training approached the door again. I slammed my door, never seeing his whole face. I heard him say, “Hey, I think I might have scared her.”

Fifteen minutes of my heart pounding, the cops talked with the guy. Finally they knocked on my door.

“He says he helped you with your car one time.”

I looked at them blankly. No. I have never gotten help from anyone. Maybe he means my female neighbor who moved out. The one who had a parade of at least 4 different men in the 2 months she lived here.

“He said he was looking to get rid of a table.”

My eyes opened in confusion, trying to reconcile these odd statements.

Once they left I slumped against the door, big gulping sobs. Fear and adrenalin having run their course.

I wonder if I accidentally attracted Mr. Stalker in Training. I wonder if my pretty shoes, pretty clothes, pretty hair, if they are all bad.

I cried in panic. I cried because of the fear that had run thru me. I cried because it felt like I had no one to turn to.

Even though a good friend was texting me the whole time. She was there the whole way thru.

I cried because I was so scared.

Purpose of Marriage

“It just wasn’t a happy marriage, never was. And we finally had enough.”

“We always had our problems. They finally got to us. We couldn’t stand to be around each other. We’re actually good friends now that we’re divorced. We’re just not good married.”

I want to know who promised us a satisfaction guarantee on marriage? Where is it written that we get married to make ourselves happy?

Why do we get married?

It’s question I’ve been pondering a lot lately. There are a lot of different answers I’ve worked thru.

Having seen arranged marriages that are very fulfilling; I have quickly tossed aside the notion that marriage has anything to do with personal satisfaction. Marriages that are founded on that reason often end very quickly. Because happiness is fleeting. Personal satisfaction is a personal thing; it’s not something a relationship can give you. It doesn’t come from an outside source; it’s an inside job.

I’ve pondered the idea that marriage is for companionship. The providence of a partner to walk thru life’s trials with you. But if that were true, loneliness would be the most singular attractive thing in a prospective partner. Because that would show that you need a companion, you need another person. And any single person can tell you, loneliness is the worst way to get a date. More likely to get turned down, avoided, banned, and generally tossed out on your butt when you loudly proclaim your loneliness.

Lately I’ve been thinking that marriage is Heavenly Father’s neat little trick to force us to keep growing thru the rest of our lives. We have to not only put up with, but actually LOVE this other person that we’ve committed to live our life with. This other person who probably has hurt us many times, this person who you see every day. You don’t get to ignore them. It is one of the most singular ways of growing to think outside yourself.

Marriage is Heavenly Father’s way of helping us learn to emulate Christ. To love another person when it is difficult, and not the thing any sane person would do. Marriage is learning to love your enemy, when your enemy sleeps on the other side of the bed. And you can’t get away with just saying you love them, you have to really truly love them.

Marriage is about eternal progression, becoming more than you ever were before, and becoming more than you ever thought possible because this other person is worthy of so much more love than you can ever give. So for their sake, and for the sake of our Savior, you grow up, and leave your immature, self-centered ways behind so that you can be the marriage partner your beloved deserves.

The Dented Car

I’m driving a dented car, and proud of it. The dents don’t affect how it runs. It’s just something to get me from point A to point B. It doesn’t look as good as it used to, but it still runs.

No, really I’m not. It’s an allusion I ran across that just fits.

I don’t often talk about my boyfriend. He’s a very private individual, and I respect that.

We suffered quite a mighty dent to our relationship this week. At this point, we are taking things day by day, evaluating. Again and again, we have given each other an exit clause. No guilt, it may be more than we can each handle.

I don’t know where things are going from here, but I see in him a man I respect. This may not be the time and place for us as a couple to continue. That decision has to be made each day. But I have a wonderful vision of what sort of man I want to be with. And if I have to go thru some major dents to see the truth, then that’s what has to be done.

1) I will only accept a man who is as strong as me. A man who has the will power, and assertive nature that can be equally yoked with mine. A man who knows himself, and knows his value. A man who knows what he wants, and isn’t afraid to ask for exactly that.

2) A man at my side must be willing to accept full responsibility for his actions. Never shirking from what he leaves in his wake.

3) I insist that anyone involved in my life have compassion. Compassion enough to cry for the people who hurt you. To ache for the people who want to track you down and do bad things to you. Compassion to understand their pain, and sympathize with it as if it were your own.

4) I must have a man who will give me my right to choose. Over and over, trust me. Give me my freedom, and let me be safe in his arms. Free to choose him, or free to walk away, knowing his opinion of me hasn’t changed. Free to be myself.

It takes a village

These are the days when I think, there is no way I could do this Single Parent thing on my own. What you see are two different projects my son had to do. For cub scouts, build something with hammer and wood. For school, make a Viking Longship.

Personally, I've never made a Viking Longship. Or done any sort of ship building, if you ask me! And I don't have any wood laying around for him to take a wack at. Maybe some cloth, and yarn, but no wood.

What I do have is an amazing amount of resources. My mother was the project designer behind the Viking Longship. My long time HomeTeacher was the woodworking specialist. And my son felt like super kid by the end of the day.

I don't know if I could ever move from where I am right now. I have so many people who support me, and help me. Should I need a babysitter at a moments notice, I know exactly who to start calling. In this case, when my son needed to do woodworking, I knew who to turn to.

I am so blessed to have a wonderful village that does help me raise my children.

Queen Noor

Light of Hussein. Queen Noor. Lisa Halaby.

When I grow up, and fall in love, I want to be just like her.

I want to go thru that life altering trust. To give up everything, and gain everything back. To trust my personhood, my safety and my life from henceforth into the hands of a man who can be trusted. A man who is worthy of power, and authority. A man who is true to his word. A man who doesn’t take no for an answer, but quietly, and politely keeps on working to change the world.

I want to loose my name, my culture, my language, my social position. I want to trust someone who is worthy of that trust. To see his eyes light up. To know that my trust in him is richly rewarded, is well founded. To know that he is my rock. To know that he knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and he will protect and treasure me. He will make me a Queen. Thru his love and care, I will be able to be myself better than I ever knew how.

And blessings of all blessings, my relationship with my boyfriend is slowly growing to be exactly what my heart desires.

Heightened State of Alert

My ex husband was abusive. What that means sometimes defies description. But today I was flooded by the memory of one thing that happened.

Our apartment complex was after him because one of the cars wasn’t up to date on all its registration. He decided to drive the car over to his work, and park it there for a few days until he could get it resolved. Late at night, with my two toddlers in the back seat, I followed him.

He pulled into one parking spot, and motioned me to a spot. I didn’t like the spot, and so pulled the car around to the other side. With the radio playing, and heater running, I watched him get out of the car. He was nearly obsessive compulsive, check this on the car, and check that. In the dark, hardly lit parking lot, I couldn’t see what he was doing, but assumed he was checking something on the car.

Then I realized he had walked away. He was walking out of the parking lot, away from us.

I turned the car on, and drove over to him.

“You didn’t do what I asked you to do.”

He walked home that night, refusing to get in the car.

My young children asked the bewildered questions I was feeling. What’s Daddy doing? Why won’t he get in the car?

Two hours later he got home. He would hardly speak. I walked on eggshells.

Abuse is never knowing when you’re going to get blamed. And never knowing what you’re going to get blamed for. It’s always being ready to deal with someone who won’t get in the car. It’s always being on standby to protect yourself, and the kids from strange, weird and totally nonsensical actions.

Heightened state of alert. It teaches you to guard at all times.

My reputation

“So, you’re saying we could move this number from 3.5% to 11%?” my director brushed her hair out of her face, staring at my computer screen.

“How can we do it?” she turned her eyes upon my face, ready to hear what I’ve been trying to say for 2 months.

Five months ago when she came on board to the account I was simply another agent. My polite comments were brushed aside. The many suggestions I made at the onset were hardly even heard. After working with me, she has come to learn my reputation.

My reputation is something I’ve never cared about. I don’t control it. I can’t predict how people will view me.

A while back a co-worker accused me of gossiping about her. My jaw dropped. I nearly busted out laughing it seemed too ridiculous to me. Instead I pulled myself together and apologize profusely. What does it matter if she thinks I’m a gossip? The people who matter, who know me, they know the truth. If she needed my apology to help her go on, I’ll give it to her. She can say what ever she wants about me. She can tarnish my reputation as much as she needs to. Because people for the most part figure out the truth. And those who never figure out the truth, well, they were never going to figure it out in the first place.

Instead of worrying about what people think of me, I do what is right. I bury my head deep in my work.

By not worrying about what people think of me, I’ve made a reputation of being knowledgeable, dedicated, and very dependable. Didn’t do it by talking about myself. Didn’t do it by defending my actions and myself.

Did it by apologizing for every toe I step on. Did it by not complaining. Did it by working hard even when other people weren’t looking.

My reputation is not my own. The only thing I can control is how hard I work, and how I treat people.

The good times

There is a Country Western song I’ve heard a few times now. A young mother is complaining about the kids screaming, her busy hectic life. And someone steps in to say “These are the good times, these are the times you’re going to want back.”

These are my good times.

I’m secure in my boyfriend’s affection. He’s been on the road now for close to a month. We haven’t had a real date since mid-August. I get whiny, and complain, clingy. And he doesn’t complain once about my less than stellar attitude. Instead he understands, and does everything he can to reassure me, to help me to find my center again. These are the good times.

My children are secure, and support Mommy dating. This guy puts a smile on Mom’s face. They don’t see him much. To be honest, they don’t even have to deal with him. All they know is that since he’s been around Mommy has become a lot more peaceful. Mommy has better routines at home. Mommy is secure, and happy, and so their lives are secure and happy. And once in a while (a great while lately) Mommy schedules a play date for them with a friend so Mommy can go out and have fun. Yes, these are the good times.

There are so many things that I could say are wrong right now. But some day I’ll look back on these days and I’ll realize, these were the good times. I’ll count these days as easy, peaceful, and happy. I’ll count myself as secure. I’ll see that my boyfriend did so much to show me his affection. I’ll see that our relationship was so simple, easy, and took nearly no effort. I’ll see that we had no problems, no big disagreements. I’ll look back at the kids, and realize they were pleasant, loving, and their problems were so manageable. So, since I’m going to look back and think that, why don’t I just hurry up and think it today.

These are the good times.