Doing Terrible

Yes, I've had the questions long enough. I'm going to answer a few of them. Probably not as many as anyone would like.

In December my boyfriend of six months explained that he had some pretty significant emotional work that he needed to do. He enrolled in outpatient treatment, and is now trying to figure out how to rebuild his life, personality and everything he's ever known.

I say that to explain, as we talked about is issues, it became obvious that he and I were two sides of the same coin. Though my problems are not as life shattering, yet. He was able to throw the spotlight on things in my life I had happily pushed under the carpet. Things I had ignored, or really didn't think were a problem.

I am now seeing a counselor once a week, and doing 1-2 group therapy sessions per week.

The boyfriend and I have quit seeing each other. We each have to get healthy. Neither one of us is emotionally available for the other. It would do nobody any good to pretend to stay together.

I find myself in a very terrible situation. The one person who truly knows what it is like to walk in these shoes, the boyfriend, is no longer available. I can never make sense to you how much help he was, and how much good he did for me. Suffice it to say, there is a level of grief that few will understand given how short our relationship was.

To the friends who want to help, there are a few things you can do.

Those who live in the vicinity, I welcome offers to babysit the kids. If you see I'm struggling, having an extra rough day, I would love it if you offered to take the kids so I could make it to an extra group session. There is one nearly every evening.

Or, sometimes better, encourage me to do something social. Get me out with people, having fun.

I tend to curl up and replay the ugliness I've been forced to face. Which does no one any good. I've got a counselor who will make me face it in a safe environment that will allow me to heal. Staring down demons on my own is a recipe to get hurt.

To the friends whom miles separate, simply be my friend. Talk, laugh with me. Don't let morose mood scare you off. Talk about anything. Silly jokes. Anything positive, anything to make me smile.

And to the friends who have already been there for me, who have dragged my butt out to dinner, friends who have volunteered already to babysit my kids, not really knowing exactly what was wrong, THANK YOU! You are doing the work of angles, the work of Jesus Christ on earth.

Mr. Stalker in Training

Tonight was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

At home, quiet evening, kids in bed, winding down for the evening.

Knock-knock-knock from the door. I’m not expecting anyone.

A few months ago I had someone knock on my door late at night before. After doing it a few times, he said the unforgettable line, “Hey, it’s your neighbor; I just want to borrow some chicken.”

CHICKEN!?

I wondered that evening if the reality was I had a peeping tom.

“Hey girl, you look good, wanna do some bbq with us?” Was the line I heard from my upstairs neighbor, and his compadre of leering friends.

Other times I’ve tried to ignore the undressing stares when I step out in a wonderful outfit.

Tonight it started around 9pm, and went on about an hour before I called the cops. Shivering in my bedroom, as far away from the front door as I could, I called the cops.

In bright yellow slickers they showed up at my door. While I was explaining the situation to them the stalker in training approached the door again. I slammed my door, never seeing his whole face. I heard him say, “Hey, I think I might have scared her.”

Fifteen minutes of my heart pounding, the cops talked with the guy. Finally they knocked on my door.

“He says he helped you with your car one time.”

I looked at them blankly. No. I have never gotten help from anyone. Maybe he means my female neighbor who moved out. The one who had a parade of at least 4 different men in the 2 months she lived here.

“He said he was looking to get rid of a table.”

My eyes opened in confusion, trying to reconcile these odd statements.

Once they left I slumped against the door, big gulping sobs. Fear and adrenalin having run their course.

I wonder if I accidentally attracted Mr. Stalker in Training. I wonder if my pretty shoes, pretty clothes, pretty hair, if they are all bad.

I cried in panic. I cried because of the fear that had run thru me. I cried because it felt like I had no one to turn to.

Even though a good friend was texting me the whole time. She was there the whole way thru.

I cried because I was so scared.

Purpose of Marriage

“It just wasn’t a happy marriage, never was. And we finally had enough.”

“We always had our problems. They finally got to us. We couldn’t stand to be around each other. We’re actually good friends now that we’re divorced. We’re just not good married.”

I want to know who promised us a satisfaction guarantee on marriage? Where is it written that we get married to make ourselves happy?

Why do we get married?

It’s question I’ve been pondering a lot lately. There are a lot of different answers I’ve worked thru.

Having seen arranged marriages that are very fulfilling; I have quickly tossed aside the notion that marriage has anything to do with personal satisfaction. Marriages that are founded on that reason often end very quickly. Because happiness is fleeting. Personal satisfaction is a personal thing; it’s not something a relationship can give you. It doesn’t come from an outside source; it’s an inside job.

I’ve pondered the idea that marriage is for companionship. The providence of a partner to walk thru life’s trials with you. But if that were true, loneliness would be the most singular attractive thing in a prospective partner. Because that would show that you need a companion, you need another person. And any single person can tell you, loneliness is the worst way to get a date. More likely to get turned down, avoided, banned, and generally tossed out on your butt when you loudly proclaim your loneliness.

Lately I’ve been thinking that marriage is Heavenly Father’s neat little trick to force us to keep growing thru the rest of our lives. We have to not only put up with, but actually LOVE this other person that we’ve committed to live our life with. This other person who probably has hurt us many times, this person who you see every day. You don’t get to ignore them. It is one of the most singular ways of growing to think outside yourself.

Marriage is Heavenly Father’s way of helping us learn to emulate Christ. To love another person when it is difficult, and not the thing any sane person would do. Marriage is learning to love your enemy, when your enemy sleeps on the other side of the bed. And you can’t get away with just saying you love them, you have to really truly love them.

Marriage is about eternal progression, becoming more than you ever were before, and becoming more than you ever thought possible because this other person is worthy of so much more love than you can ever give. So for their sake, and for the sake of our Savior, you grow up, and leave your immature, self-centered ways behind so that you can be the marriage partner your beloved deserves.