Dating

I've been reading a book on dating. New book, same old topic. How am I, as a single mother, supposed to find the time to date.

Well, I'll worry about that later, because I've got an assignment from this book. For the moment I'm simply keeping a log of how many new eligible men I meet in a week. Probably a big fat zero, but I'll let you know next Friday.

Got to keep a long for two weeks. After that the assignment changes, then I have to meet 5 new eligibles each week. That's going to be rough! Going to have to take full advantage of the singles events, and maybe make sure I truly meet the people at work. I don't know. But I do have to do something if I expect to get a date. For two years I've been technically single, but haven't really had a date. So I've got to change something. Got fish with a different bait.

Singing

"Are we doing the acappella portion accapella?"

"Let's try it, please?" I asked. We have practiced this beautiful arrangement of I Stand All Amazed for about 4 weeks. The accapella section on the third verse is a very traditional arrangement. It's simply the voices straight and let loose. After all the odd harmonies and tricky rhythms in other places, it really is the easiest section. Well, it's been the easiest section because Yulia's been playing our parts on the piano.

Gary finally relented saying yes, we'd at least try it accapella, and we dove in. First we soprano's got lost on our descant on the second verse. Billy, our amazing bass singer, professional clarinet player, and band teacher, got off his notes, and messed up in another area. And though we all staid together on the accapella section, we could tell we were all off key when Yulia came back in on piano. In the final run thru the chorus at the end, all the other soprano's died on the high notes leaving only unconfident me searching for that high E.

As the piano died away Crystal let out, "Yulia did a great job on the piano!"

Gary's slight frustration erupted into humor, as we all busted out laughing at the one good thing that could be said. But a few more runs thru, and another bass to back up Billy, and by the end, we actually were sounding pretty good.

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"Can you conduct?" Billy forced a hymnal at Gary. "We don't have anybody to play piano so we're just on our own."

Gary nodded, setting down his stuff. The evening scripture study was still filling up, but it was time to get started. "What song are we doing?"

"153," someone interjected. I flipped thru my hymnal, and found myself looking at I Stand all Amazed. I could see Gary's look of surprise as he saw which song it was. I straightened up in my chair, drawing in my long breaths.

Gary gave us our starting notes. I kept my ears tuned on Billy and Gary, keeping in tune with them. The three of us moved in unison, notes tight from over a month of practice on this one number. But the other 20 odd people failed to keep up.

Hmm . . . I'm thinking the choir sounds alot better than we are willing to admit. Maybe the perfectionists (like me) need to admit that this number is really hard and sounds very decent

Black Holes

I should have posted alot earlier, but it's been a busy day. First the kids had an activity at church. In the afternoon I had a class learning how to make crab ragoons, and wantons. They were so good none of them made it home. And this evening we went to the planetarium.

The planetarium was having "Astro Day." Tickets were discounted, and some local astronomers brought in telescopes to look at the sky. We actually got to look at the sun, which was neat. But the highlight was really the show at the planetarium.

We saw a show on Black Holes, and it was very well done. For half the show I had the sensation of movement. There is nothing to describe a planetarium show, it is amazing. I think sometimes I was paying more attention to the amazing show than to what was being said. The discussion was really good, but it paled in comparison to what was being shown to us. For the most part the kids were totally entranced. I looked over at my daughter. She was curled up in her seat, sucking her thumb, face rapt with attention.

On the way home I asked the kids some questions. I was a little stunned by how much they could tell me. My daughter gave an excellent definition of Black Holes, and my son could describe in some detail how they affected things. My son talked and talked about the presentation. Normally my daughter is the verbal kid, but when something captures my son's full attention, he breaks into an amazing gush of speech. And that was him this evening. Black Holes this, Black Holes that, they tear the atoms right out of your body, and even squeeze the atoms down until they EXPLODE!

Flood Pictures

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Originally uploaded by Sunflower Central

This is a picture I took of the creek. After church I went back to the park with my camera to capture this sight. The flooding was actually wide spread over much of North Texas. Our own county has been declared a disaster area. Just a few miles west of this homes were washed away in the flood.

PS, I'm experimenting with the hyperlink between my pictures and my blog. Combing two of my addictive behaviors! OOOHHH Fun!

Flooding

On Sunday a morning downpour caused an amazing flood. Before Sunday the only floods I had really seen were on TV. This summer has been wetter than average. By a long shot. I remember a two week period where it rained every day. We had tornado sirens going off about once a week. The result is our soil has become saturated. And the downpours we get now are causing flooding.

As we drove home from church, I saw that the creek we drive over had flooded it's banks. It was within inches of reaching the road, but the rain had stopped. This same creek I pass over on my way to work. On Monday as I drove in I saw it was still at high flood stage. But by Monday evening when I drove back, the road was closed. I believe it was the rabbit in the snake effect. As the water came down stream it piled up in places, and then caused more flooding. My 20 minute drive home instead became a 1 1/2 hour drive.

New addiction

I've developed a new addiction. It's nearly as bad as blogging. It's called flick.com. I'm a photo junkie.

I'm an addict. I spend as many waking hours on that website as I can. I post my own photos, and gather photos I like. And I'm trying to get as many people addicted to it as I can.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/8542905@N07/

Please, look at my photos! You can even browse the one's I've marked as favorite. Come share my latest and greatest addiction. It's terribly fulfilling.

Learning

Tonight I arrived at the babysitters house to a wonderful sight. Her twelve year old daughter was curled up on the couch with an astronomy book, a kitten wrapped into her shoulder. I don't know if she was reading or studying the pictures, but she was focused on the book. In the school corner was my son, and the babysitters 9 year old daughter. These two should be siblings. They have the same temperament, and get along wonderfully. That is, except when the two of them decide to cause trouble, then they are an unholy duo! But today they were studying some papers on Egyptian Hieroglyphics. They were trying to write everyone's name in Egyptian. And my six year old daughter was upstairs playing with something.

It was just a beautiful sight to walk into. Especially because I was heavily involved in planning for homeschooling this year. My babysitter and I made an agreement. I planned out the lessons for her, and she agreed to teach them. It has been a wonderful arrangement for both of us. She has none of the pressure to find material at the same time that she's trying to teach. And I had the freedom to plan to my heart's content, with none of the follow thru of teaching.

I love these moments when I walk in, and see all the kids really enjoying what I planned. I see my babysitter beaming because her girls are learning, and happy. She is happy because she didn't have to spend hours tracking down the websites and worksheets. Instead she was able to enjoy the children, and enjoy helping them develop. And I know that I'm a part of my children's day. They know that I planned these things for them.

My son took me over the astronomy mural they made. He pointed out Saturn and said he coloured it. The babysitter said actually he taught most of the lesson. He knew all the planet names, and knew facts about them, knew more than her girls. It was an excellent moment for him to shine, and the older kids learned from him. I'm so proud of him.

Another time she told me, the 12 year old girl taught one of the lessons. She guided the younger children thru an educational website, reading things out loud, and explaining things. Group learning at it's best. I love seeing my children learn like these. They are so excited and hungry for knowledge.

Happiness and Sand Paper

Needless to say, since yesterday I've been a whirl of emotions. Most of them have been good emotions.

I've been surprised at how different I feel. One of the most profound differences I feel is about the dating scene. Before the divorce was final, I thought alot about dating. I wanted to date, and felt hungry to. Now instead I feel content. I'm ready to be me, and enjoy my life. I've got my own plans and I'm busy doing them.

I've been redecorating the house, sprucing up the image really. It feels even more like home. I've been investing alot into my "welcome" area. We share a porch with our neighbor, so there is a limited amount of things I can do. But I found a small shelving unit out by the dumpster. It's in pretty sad shape, so I thought it would be great as an outdoor piece. I've got a couple of outdoor art pieces now set on it. And I realized that the wooden shelf looks weird with all the french style metal buckets I have. So tonight I picked up some shiny metallic paint at Home Depot. Gotta sand the bugger down, and paint it. I feel like my mother! In my parents house my dad is the wonderful cook, and my mom repaints furniture.

I'm not communicating this very well. I feel free, and settled. I'm happy. I feel single, and my family is complete. I'm trying to say that I'm investing my energy into making a better home for me and my kids. I'm not waiting around for my ship to come in; I'm making my future happen right here and now.

So tomorrow, sand paper, and shelving unit, here I come! It's my future. Instead of grabbing any bull by the horns, I'm grabbin' me some sand paper and paint, and blazing forward!

Divorced

The divorce is final. It was a long two years working towards this, but it finally happened. Once it was all said and done I cried. I stood at the window letting the tears finally flow. My emotions were a jumbled up mess. I felt sorrow for the marriage and dreams that I loss. But I also felt such relief.

And then I came home and celebrated my release. I've been changing some of the decorations in my house. I'm going to mark this change, and upgrade my life. There is no reason my house shouldn't like how I want it to look.

I'm happy. I'm very relieved the waiting is done, and I can get on with my life.

Lions and Love

I've been reading a book called Look before you Love. Thought it seemed like a very appropriate title. Really it's about Fung Sheui, and using those techniques to see what's reflected about a person in their home.

In reading it, I've started to make some Fung Sheui choices about my own home. Mind you, I don't believe the way my home is right now is holding me back in any way. But I do think, that by making conscience choices, I will help myself. Not because the technique is right, but because I'm making choices.

That being said, this book has forced me to look at issues I wasn't even aware that I was hiding from. (Good book!) I've been hiding from intimacy, and I'm not using that as a euphemism for sexual relations here. I mean emotional intimacy, real and honest love.

For seven years I was married to a man who never really loved me. I knew that our relationship was more a working partnership to give the children a stable home. And it most times it was a stable home. We provided a good family life. That was really important to me. I value being a stay-at-home Mom, and giving my children a two parent family.

I was unwilling to upset the boat. I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize the gifts that I was giving the children. Because my heart ached for real intimacy. There was a hunger for love. We as humans are meant to live in couples. Our spirit knows it. It's not that someone completes us because I am a complete creation of my Heavenly Father. There is nothing that needs to be added or taken away from me. But as a couple, we become more, the sum of the parts is greater than the individual parts. A couple supports one another, and they help each other climb.

Anyway, right now it is very hard for me to look at people in love. I've trained myself to shy away quickly. For seven years it has been the sacrifice I had to make to give the children a family. And I'm finding it hard to break that habit.

I feel like I'm going to let a hungry lion loose if I open that part of myself up. A starved lion is a better image. I'm afraid my heart will go gobble up anything in sight. Some how I have to bridle this starving lion, and ride it out. I've got to run the dating show, not the lion. Believe me, I'm really scared of this lion, and what it will do to me. I'm scared my desire is going to get the best of me, or get me depressed, or lead me into bad choices.

Anyone know how to put a bit in a lion's mouth?

Late Night negotiations

My lawyer has been trying to strike a deal with my soon to be ex husband's lawyer. And last night they finally had a break thru. It looks like I won't get as much back child support as we thought. And I'll probably end up with standard visitation. Standard will probably be better in the end.

But it looks like we'll actually have the final on Friday. Which has been my main concern. I want to be done with this thing. For two years I've been going thru this process, and it's been terrible. I want to move on with my life, and truly heal.

Panic Central

Today has been really hectic and terrible. My soon to be ex husband went to visit his lawyer, and negotiation began in earnest. He's really fighting two issues. He doesn't want to be stuck with a certain visitation schedule. And he's very upset that he owes me so much back child support.

My lawyer sent me on a fact finding mission about the back child support. It was complicated, but basically I had to track down some checks for her. I've been back and forth with the bank trying to get this information. I finally have a way to get the information. Tomorrow at work I'll send my lawyer the copies of all these checks. It should put an end to the child support argument.

We're hoping that by smashing that argument to pieces he'll realize that we have the law on our side, and he'll acquiesce on the other points. Otherwise it could be some wrangling between the lawyers.

Me, I've been tied up in knots over all this. I could hardly eat anything today, my stomach is so upset. I'm really nervous that we won't settle the visitation question by Friday, our deadline. And then for a while I was in panic mode getting the checks. It took a few hours, and a few calls back to the bank to figure out how to access that information. The fact that I was panicking didn't make it any easier on me.

Storms over Texas

This evening we had another storm roll in. That was two storm today. Both of them blew in with a vengeance, and blew out quickly. I've heard that we had only two days last month with no rain. I would believe it. Even days with a 10% chance of rain, it storms like crazy. The wind whips the trees around, and lightening dances across the sky. Thunder booms in the background. Tonight we lost power 2 or 3 times.
But after the storm, the sky was peach cast. And a rainbow appeared on the eastern horizon. A light drizzle continued to fall. I have seen more rainbows in the last month then in the 12 years I've lived in Texas.

And let me put out call for pictures. I'm working on an art project that will be a collage of pictures. I have my own variety of flower pictures, and kid pictures. I would love more African pictures, buildings, landscapes, etc. Basically anything of beauty, anything remarkable, or anything simply saturated with color.

I set out on this project to keep me busy as the final for my divorce approaches. It also gives me something to work on once the divorce is final, that is, if it really goes thru this time. I need something to pull me thru, and this is what I've decided to do.

Peace Offering

My next door neighbor . . . what to say, I'm at a loss of words.

My son has found his favorite spot to dig. In between my neighbor's apartment, and the next apartment down is some wonderful wet clay dirt. It's the dark squishy kind, and he loves to dig in it. It drives my neighbor insane. She's taken to yelling at me about it.

"We never had puddles there before your little boy started digging there. Every time it rains now I'm scared it's going to flood our apartment. If it does I'm going to call management and tell them you are responsible."

It reminds me of listening to my kids. If you don't take out the trash I'm going to take your blankie, and you can't make me give it back.

Today she really went to town. She said my son was a dangerous kid, and I don't watch my kids well enough. She just went up one side and down the other. I felt like telling her, look, talk to my son about this, not me. For some reason, I don't think she'd get as much pleasure out of yelling at my son. He would see right thru all her words, and see her threats were really nothing. He wouldn't even pay attention.

Truth is, I hardly pay her any mind. The only reason I do try to keep my son out of her way is because her grandkids come over. Her two grandkids are the age of my kids, and all four of them play together quite often. I know how much my two adore those two.

Today she declared my son too dangerous to play with her grandkids. And she said she was punishing me by not allowing her two to come out. To be honest, it doesn't bother me in the least. But it does upset me to think of her two grandkids being punished for my son's actions. Those two kids are trapped inside, and not allowed to play with my two kids because my son won't follow her rules. That is totally out of line, and that offends me.

I sat thinking, fuming, and praying God give me a chance to turn this woman's medicine back on her.

And you know what, I actually got an answer to my prayer. Heavenly Father redirected my heart. The Holy Spirit whispered, pray for her, do good for those who dispitefully use you. I sat there thinking, how can I do that.

We made a peace offering. We ran off to Target and made a gift basket for them. A pie, a DVD for the kids, craft things for the children, a bag of nuts, and some dried fruit, along with some hot cocoa. I got a small card that says something about may this gift bring joy to your heart.

We left the basket on their doorstep, and DID NOT knock. I explained to the kids that we needed to be Heavenly Father's hands for Granny. We needed to do something nice for her, and never let her know we did it. If she knew we did it, she might not enjoy the gift.

We're making a peace offering, trying to create a spirit of friendship and peace between our two homes. I impressed on the kids that they need to try and follow Granny's rules so that the peace offering really does bring her peace. That made some sense to them.

I don't know if it will work on her. But I know it's already helped me. I feel more forgiving towards her. It's a start at least.